Bill O’Reilly Seen Filling Out Employment Application at Hooters

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Several witnesses dining at a local Manhattan Hooters establishment have reported that they saw former Fox News host and unregistered sex offender Bill O’Reilly at the restaurant. While most patrons might not be surprised to find the randy former Fox host at a restaurant known for putting its largely female contingent of servers in tight outfits that show off their bodies, the reason for O’Reilly’s visit to this Hooters franchise was not for dining.

“I saw Bill O’Reilly walk up to the hostess and not ask for a table,” one man told us, “but for a job application! Crazy! Just last week he was a pervert with it all, and now he’s just a pervert looking for a job. Sad.”

Another patron overheard Mr. O’Reilly asking the assistant manager some questions about the work environment at Hooters. O’Reilly was recently let go after more than 20 years of being on air from Fox News after it was revealed that over the years the network has shelled out over $13 million in settlements between O’Reilly and female Fox News employees.

“Do you guys have legal counsel on retainer at all times,” O’Reilly asked, “just in case they need to settle some kind of suit between employees?”

The assistant manager said she didn’t know, but she could ask the manager or district manager next time she saw them.

“Just out of curiosity,” O’Reilly asked, “does Hooters have a policy regarding sexual harassment?”

The assistant manager nodded her head.

“And that policy is…,” O’Reilly asked, trailing off.

“To not do it,” the assistant manager said flatly, “this is 2017. Duh.”

This exchange seemed to give Mr. O’Reilly pause. He scratched his chin for a moment. Then he asked another question.

“But, what if I rise in the ranks here,” O’Reilly asked, “and become someone with authority? Would I then be allowed to be pervy as fuck and do whatever I want to and with the ladies who work here?”

The assistant manager asked O’Reilly if she should be “concerned” or call the police.

“You’re acting kinda gross,” the assistant manager said, “and that’s usually when we ask people to leave. We’re a restaurant, dude, not a brothel. And even if we were a brothel, you’re the kind of twisted, sick, old, rich fuck that aren’t very welcome in those kinds of establishments either because you wind up knifing the prostitute while you hate fuck all the times your daddy told you that you’d never be good enough out of her, anyway.”

Bill O’Reilly will not be working at Hooters. He will, however, have a restraining order keeping him from entering the midtown Hooters or coming within 500 feet of it by the end of next week though. Mr. O’Reilly could not be reached for comment.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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