Bill O’Reilly Sends Commiserative Dick Pic to Eric Bolling, In Solidarity

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Embattled Fox News host Eric Bolling got an unexpected boost in morale this week. Bolling has become the latest Fox host to come under fire after allegations of sexual misconduct. Mr. Bolling was suspended late last week after reports surfaced that he has been accused by some of his female colleagues of sending unwanted sexual images via text message to them. Bolling’s suspension is pending the outcome of an investigation into the matter, Fox News announced.

This morning, Bolling called into a right-wing radio show and told its host that he had been awoken just before dawn by a text message from Bill O’Reilly.

“Hey Eric, keep your chin and your…you know…up,” O’Reilly’s first text said.

A second text awaited Bolling as well. That text contained what O’Reilly told Bolling is a “dick pic of solidarity and empathy.”

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“Don’t let those bitches get you down,” O’Reilly texted, “you got this, my dude.”

O’Reilly was fired by Fox News earlier this year after a media report that the Rupert Murdoch-owned media company had spent more than $13 million over the course of his tenure on the network settling sexual harassment claims against him. This came after former Fox chairman, the late Roger Ailes, was sued by Gretchen Carlson, another former host on the network, for sexual harassment. After Carlson made her allegations, several more women came forward, even Megyn Kelly, to corroborate many details with similar stories of their own.

“If it’s got tits or wheels,” O’Reilly texted Bolling, “it’ll sue you for harassment if you say you want to put your dick in it. What is this world coming to? What is this country coming to, when you can’t even objectify women in the work place with impunity anymore?”

Bolling said on the radio show that he was “honored and humbled” to have O’Reilly’s support.

“It means a lot, it really does,” Bolling said, “it’s like being accused of murder and getting a supportive text from OJ Simpson. He’s been through it before; so he knows what to expect. Know what I mean?”

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Bolling said he’s “really glad” O’Reilly sent him the lewd picture unsolicited, as well.

“Now I finally know how those broads felt,” Bolling said, “and I gotta say I’m surprised at how much they don’t like them. Who doesn’t like getting middle-aged white guy dick delivered to their inbox? Un-American FemiNazis, that’s who.”

Mr. Bolling said he intends to print out the picture of O’Reilly’s penis and frame it. He said he wants it to serve as a “constant reminder of Bill’s loyalty.” Bolling said he knows in the coming weeks and months he may end up relying on O’Reilly’s friendship quite a bit.

“I know that if things don’t go my way, I’ll be in the same unemployment line with Bill and TammyLahren,” Bolling said, “so I’ll need Bill to show me the ropes when it comes to setting up a microphone and camera in your living room. I’d ask Tomi, but I don’t live with my parents so I can’t broadcast from their basement like she does now.”

Fox News did not comment on this story.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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