WASHINGTON, D.C. — When the first round of pandemic economic impact payments went out to Americans last year, the man who occupied the Oval Office made sure his name was on any paper checks that were sent. He sent a letter to recipients who didn’t get a check, ensuring that in some way, shape, or form, his name was attached to the payments, seeking to get credit for the financial benefits. However, his successor has already said the new round of stimulus payments will be signed by an authorized member of the treasury instead.
“Look here, Jack, I already know what it feels like to sign my name to a check that I know won’t bounce,” President Joe Biden told reporters in the Oval Office this morning. “The last guy? Not so much. I could see why he’d be tempted to have that feeling for once in his worthless life, though.”
MORE: President Biden Apologizes to Neanderthal Americans
Since taking office, Biden has moved swiftly to reverse several administrative and executive policies and actions taken by the previous president. He’s canceled the White House subscription to former First Lady Ivanka Trump’s OnlyFans. Biden has also canceled the Space Force mission to establish a McDonald’s on the moon. Not putting his name on the stimulus checks, Biden said, is just one of many ways he will draw sharp distinctions between himself and his racist troll predecessor.
“We’re not researching windmill cancer vaccines, and we’ve disconnected the White House from the renewable white power grid as well,” Biden announced. “Lots of changes coming up, Buster Brown, so I hope everyone is buckled up for them.”
MORE: McConnell Blasts Senate Dems for Considering Change to Rules He Never Followed Anyway
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.