Biden Tells Space Force to Stop Pointing Telescope at Ivanka’s Bedroom

President Joe Biden ordered Space Force to “immediately reposition” a massive telescope  miles away from the Earth’s orbit and point it away from the bedroom of former First Lady Ivanka Trump. President Biden addressed the order aboard Air Force One, while traveling abroad for the first time since beating Donald Trump both in the election and a subsequent traditional insurrection.

“I called the Space Force folks as soon as my staff told me the Degenerate 2000 was pointed at Ivanka’s bedroom still,” Biden told reporters. “I told them, ‘Hey Jack! Cut that out! That’s the taxpayers’ telescope, and they want photos of the cosmos, not of the former First Lady’s moons over Miami.”

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Space Force is a branch of the American armed forces because of an executive order from former President Trump. The Degenerate program was one of the first projects for Space Force, ordered directly by Trump himself. The massive telescope was launched in late 2018 and currently sits in a position between Mars and Earth, neither of which the former president could identify on an elementary school map of our solar system.

The Degenerate 2000 telescope has been pointed at Ivanka Trump’s bedroom, wherever she slept, for about three years, according to published reports. It’s unclear, exactly, what the previous administration planned to do with any images pulled from the Degenerate’s feed. President Biden, when asked, didn’t have the foggiest notion, either.

“I don’t have the foggiest notion what the hell that telescope was doing pointed at her bedroom. All I know is that in my day, that would’ve never happened,” Biden proclaimed, “and not just because the telescope wasn’t invented until after my first six terms in the Senate. The Roman Senate. Because I’m so old you see. The joke is that I’m old. Because, well, I am the oldest fucking dude to ever hold this office, no matter how nice it might be to once more have a president born closer to when Star Wars came out.”

President Biden also briefed reporters on a few more similar items that have come up in the last five months. Biden reminded Americans that “elections have consequences” and that “many things are going to look and seem a little different” than they’d been for the previous four years.

“There’s no more McDonald’s kitchen in the White House basement, for starters. If I want chicken nuggies, I’m going to get on my ten speed and get them myself,” Biden insisted. “I’ve also ordered Space Force to immediately halt all research into safely staring at eclipses. We have much more important things to spend our moola on, in my estimation.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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