Biden Says Treasury Will Add “In Soros We Trust” to All Currency

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has directed the United States Treasury to prepare the necessary paperwork and draw up new plans for adding the phrase “In Soros We Trust” to all legal currency.

“It’s time to pay the piper, Jack! Everybody knows, at least they know if they listen to trusted sources of information like Al Jones and Danny Bungholio, that George Soros is literally in charge of and behind every sinister thing we libtarded American Demon-rats have done since the beginning of time,” Biden explained during a press event announcing the change to all American money printed or minuted from January 1st, 2022 forward.

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“This last election, when Master Soros agreed to help us use unicorn blood, bamboo ballots, and the reanimated corpse of Hugo Chavez to put me in the Oval Office, he said it would come with a big price tag. The last time around, when he put Barry in the White House, he demanded that we take away literally every single gun from every single American, and we would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for the efforts of people like Glean Black and Rosh Shoshanalimbaugh, too!”

According to President Biden, Soros made it clear to the Democratic Party that if he did everything in his power and put them back in the White House, he would want a “permanent tribute” for his efforts. After a few months in office, Biden said he received a message on the Secret Sharia Socialist Communication Network, established during the Obama presidency, and Soros gave him his marching orders.

“As you know, we Democrats all hate Christianity and God, even when we’re like me, and Catholic. Again, anyone who listens to right-wing talk radio knows this very obvious and real fact,” Biden explained.

“That’s why we are canceling Christmas and making it illegal to say ‘Merry Christmas’ in public. But it’s also why we are taking God off all our money and putting the real God’s name in its place. I am sure that over time, you won’t question this, and that as we move you into the FEMA camps, and you get assigned your transgender Latinx spouse who will impregnate you and then force you get an abortion, you won’t even be thinking about what’s on our currency, Squirt!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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