CLEVELAND, OHIO — Tonight, after months of anticipation, the first presidential debate of the 2020 election season between former Vice President Joe Biden and President Donald Trump will commence. Both men have reportedly been doing some form of debate prep. Trump has been working with former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former New York Mayor Rudy “Have I Mentioned 9/11 in the Last Five Minutes” Giuliani, who have been standing-in for Biden.
This morning, at a campaign stop held at a local Cleveland diner, Biden told reporters he too had been working with someone who was pretending to be Trump, and thanked them personally for helping him prepare for the most important debate of his life.
“One thing I know for certain, Bub, is that I am completely and utterly prepared for this debate tonight,” Biden told restaurant patrons this morning, “and I owe it all to my debate prep partner. I owe that giant garbage bag full of super hot diarrhea a huge debt of gratitude for getting me ready to face Trump.”
Biden said that when he and his campaign staff first set out to find someone who could stand in for Trump, they considered many candidates. They knew it had to be someone who “could pull off just how utterly disgusting” Trump is. However, when someone suggested getting a large, orange, contractor size garbage bag and filling it to the brim with hot, molten diarrhea, which they’d dye orange, Biden was immediately sold on the idea.
“The smell would be spot on, that’s for sure,” Biden confirmed.
However, there was one concern that Team Biden had with using the diarrhea analogue for the president.
“We all had a question in the back of our minds, though, about the garbage bag full of shit,” Biden explained. “Would the diarrhea actually be smarter than Trump. Because the whole thing is, we wanted someone to pretend to be Trump that would be exactly as stupid as he is. Does no good to debate prep with someone with an IQ above their shoe size if Trump’s who you’re gonna be debating.”
Once debate practice got underway, however, Biden and his aides were quite pleased with how their Trump substitute performed.
“As it turns out, though, we made a great choice. Just a really fantastic choice,” Biden said. “That bag of diarrhea kept trying to bring up my son Hunter, and I’d just continually ask him how much he paid Ivanka in consulting fees, and how much that brought down his tax liability.
With less than fifty days to go before the election, polls show Biden leading nationally, and making significant inroads in red states that were previously thought to be safely in the GOP’s hands.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.