Biden: “I Know Watching People Piss Might Be His Thing, But I Won’t Be Taking Trump’s Drug Test”

DELAWARE — President Donald Trump really, really, really wants former Vice President Joe Biden to take a drug test prior to tomorrow night’s presidential debate. Trump has mentioned that he believes Biden uses some kind of performance enhancing drug to help him during debates, and has tweeted on multiple occasions about the issue.

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On Sunday, Trump tweeted that he would “strongly demand” that “Sleepy Joe Biden” be given a drug test prior to the debate. Mr. Trump accused Biden of inconsistent debate performances in the past. At the time, Trump agreed to take a drug test as well.

Despite his “strong demand” however, Vice President Biden has stated he will not take the drug test. In a statement, Biden’s campaign said that “if the president thinks his best case is made in urine,” he’s welcome to it. But that since he’s “pissed away the chance to protect” Americans from COVID-19, they “expect nothing less” from him.

Needless to say, Trump didn’t take kindly to having his demand rebuffed. He tweeted his disappointment this morning. Trump’s tweet, seen below.

Despite announcing that he would not submit to it, today Vice President Biden was asked on the campaign trail about Trump’s demand that he take the drug test. Biden smiled and laughed extremely hard when a reporter from OANN asked him why he “refuses to do as commanded by Dear President.” Biden dismissed the question and Trump’s demands.

“Nah, Jack, that’s not how things are gonna fly around here,” Trump told the female reporter. “I know watching people piss might be his thing, but I won’t be taking Trump’s drug test. I’ll tell you what — give him a third grade spelling test and if he passes, I’ll make sure he gets a hold of some of my piss. That sound good? Take that offer back to him and let me know what he says, bub.”

Biden reached out to Trump personally and offered to “piss directly into that fat fuck’s mouth,” he told reporters.

“Hey, you never know. He doesn’t seem to have literally any skills at all, but I thought maybe detecting drugs with this taste buds might be one,” Biden said. “So I called him up — I still remember the extensions at the White House — and offered to piss directly into that fat fuck’s mouth. Haven’t heard back from yet, though.”

The White House did not comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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