WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden ran on a message of uniting the country. After eight years of President Barack Obama’s administration, the Republican Party leveraged the Electoral College and put the least popularly elected president with the lowest ever approval rating in office, and for four years the D-list reality TV demagogue spent his time pitting Americans against each other. Biden repeatedly called last year’s election a “battle for the soul of America.”

This morning, the White House announced that Biden made his first big overture to one of of his predecessor’s staunchest allies in Congress, Senator Ted Cruz (Q-TX).

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“I gave Teddy a call last night. I said to him,” President Biden related to reporters in the Oval Office before signing an executive order rolling back the White House subscription to Ivanka Trump’s OnlyFans account, “listen here, Buster Brown, I want to unify this country. How do I go about getting on your good side? How do I get you to treat me with respect, Teddy Jack?”

Biden said Sen. Cruz was reticent and unable to think of anything the president could do to win the Texas Qpublican over. Prior to the call, President Biden instructed his staff to make a list of things he could offer Cruz as an olive branch. When Cruz was unable to elucidate anything himself, Biden started pulling ideas from the list.

“What will it take Teddy? What’s it gonna be? Do I need to go out on TV and right now and imply your dad helped kill Kennedy,” Biden asked. “Would that make you like me enough to defend me and my policy ideas, Ted?”

Sen. Cruz was still unsure how Biden could get on his good side.

“Well, Ted, what if I called your wife ugly? I mean, I don’t think she really is, and quite frankly a bridge troll looking motherfucker like you should be extremely grateful to land a woman remotely as hot as her,” Biden said in a moment of candor, “but if abusing your wife publicly is what it takes to win your loyalty and inspire you to work with me, well then that’s what I’ll do, Sport!”

As of the time of publication, Cruz had not decided whether to take President Biden up on his offer or not.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.