Biden to Confiscate Gas Stoves and Put Them in Same FEMA Camps as Obama’s Guns

Over the course of the next two years, President Joe Biden (D) will have the U.S. Army remove nearly every single gas stove from American homes. The gas stoves will then be placed in the same FEMA camp warehouses his former boss used to store guns he personally confiscated from law-abiding Americans.

According to an email sent to this outlet by a guy who shot up a pizza parlor in Washington, D.C. because he believed it was being used as a front for a sex trafficking operation that victimized minors before Matt Gaetz could Venmo them himself, Biden will issue Order 666 in the coming weeks. Once the order is given, an elite team of army Green Berets will begin systematically sweeping the country for gas stoves, and remove them by force when they are found. Once the gas stoves are removed, electric stoves wired to play the former Soviet Union’s national anthem when the timer elapses will be installed in their place.

“Then that son of a bitch Biden will have jackbooted thugs bring the gas stoves to the same FEMA camps Obama took our guns to,” Alex Jones howled as he read the email to his listeners this morning. “It’s Operation Jade Helm all over again, folks! Except this time, I’m, like, kinda pretty sure it’ll actually happen. Maybe. But buying these supplements here is your best way to protect yourself from Biden’s fascist stove police!”

Alleged Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy (Q-CA) has vowed to use all powers that the House Republican caucus has in order to stop Biden in his tracks.

“I promise you, if Marjorie Taylor Greene or Donald Trump say I can, I will bring the hammer down hard, and fast, on President Biden’s kitchen overreach,” McCarthy promised before adding, “Please like me.”

@jamboschlarmbo Leave our #gasstoves alone, #Biden #politics #political #satire #politik ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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