Biden Signs Presidential Declaration Stating “All Holidays Matter”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an official signing ceremony held in the Oval Office, President Joe Biden declared that for the next 365 days, “all holidays matter.”

“Look here bub, I’m under direct orders by Lord Soros himself to attack Christmas like it’s never been attacked before. Not even when Barry Soetoro was in this very seat, did the executive branch take such decisive action against Christmas, a holiday that, as a Catholic, I have celebrated and cherished my entire life,” Biden announced as he swept his pen across the document, officially declaring all holidays to have equal value.

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“It’s just how it works around here. That laterally lisping closet Brony fact-checker that Dan Bongholio employs, Matt Palumbo, I think his stupid fuckface name is? Anyway, he’s the only genius smart enough to put together how hostile Soros is to American freedom, and he knows that I just have no other option than to do exactly what George Soros commands me to do. It’s all in Matt’s dumpster fire of a book on Soros, out now wherever klan pamphlets are distributed!”

In accordance with his new order, a few changes will be seen in American Christmas decorations this winter.

“From this day forward, every single Christmas tree must be paired with a Menorah or Hanukah bush, a Kwanza Chalice, and a Muslim prayer rug,” Biden announced.

“This is so that we elevate all religious holidays except Christmas, which we are forcefully making equal to all the others. Just as Lord Soros has commanded we do. Citizens will be forced to comply with these new regulations by our new Decoration Force branch of the military, whose sole task will be to find and drone strike American families who do not display all holidays equally on their front lawns.”

Rep. Marjhorse-arie Taylor Greene wasted no time blasting Biden’s new order.

“See, America? This is what happens when Sleepy Joe Brandon becomes president. George Soros starts pulling all the levers. Needless to say, I have a plan though. Look to the skies, America, and my secret space laser will protect you all,” Greene tweeted.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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