Betsy DeVos Receives Lovely Congratulatory Edible Arrangement From The Taliban

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When newly confirmed Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos came into her office at the Department of Education this morning, she was greeted by her new staff, but she was also greeted by what she called a “lovely” edible arrangement.

Sources close to DeVos say she was “honored and flattered” by the gift. Reportedly, DeVos immediately split up the edible arrangement’s fruit samplings among her staff. Attached to the arrangement was a card with a typed message.

Dear Ms. DeVos –

Though we may disagree on which version of God is right (it’s ours), we are very pleased to send you this lovely edible arrangement as a way of saying congratulations on being confirmed. We understand better than perhaps any other group on the planet how important it is to indoctrinate the youth as early as possible. We also understand quite well the importance of religious dogma replacing science, math, history, and language lessons. Only through God can our lives truly be complete, and only through God can we truly know anything.

The way you were able to buy your way into government is also very inspiring to us. Leveraging your family’s enormous wealth to make up for your clear and obvious failures and shortcomings is tremendous! And the fact that you have campaigned tirelessly to dismantle public education and are now in charge of it gives hopes to all religious sycophants everywhere.

You’re like a butcher tending the livestock, and we simply love it, Ms. DeVos. Again, wish you weren’t being so disgusting as a female by acting like you’re a man’s equal, but all things in due time. The bottom line is that the children of America will soon have no standardized measurements for their students’ success and they’ll be learning about how evolution is the Devil and climate change is a Chinese hoax, and when America’s children are dumber, we all benefit greatly.

We look forward to seeing the great, great things you can do at your Department of Education. And by that we mean, we look forward to seeing how quickly you can turn your public schools into empty buildings while students are shuffled off to corporate-backed religious training institutions. Of course, being Taliban we wish you weren’t a female because that’s just gross and offensive, but whatever, beggars can’t be choosers, right?


The Taliban

Secretary DeVos was confirmed along strict party lines. She was the first appointed cabinet member for any position that had be confirmed with the sitting Vice President casting the deciding vote.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This