MIAMI, FLORIDA — Two-time Democratic nomination contender and man who shouts at strangers on the A train while they all pretend he isn’t actually there, Bernie Sander, has this morning caused upset in hipster cafes across the nation after he announced that he is withdrawing from the 2020 Democratic presidential primary in order to spend more time with his remaining vocal cords.
Speaking at the airport prior to boarding his first class flight north after a self-proclaimed night of success promoting socialism and equality for all, Senator Sanders shouted at reporters, “I’ve been thinking about it and you know what, I’m through with it.”
With expressions of surprise making up for the lack of words from reporters, Sanders went on to explain, “Well after yesterday, I just don’t think I can keep it going. I’m shouting and shouting and shouting. I want to retire peacefully and spend some more time with my remaining vocal cords. I need them so I can tell the little kids that live nearby to keep off my garden and that I can fix all of their problems if they just get up together and demand that someone else fixes all of their problems.”
Put to him the anticipation that many BernieBros were feeling about the candidate announcing his policies on climate change, Senator Sanders pointed his finger and said, “Ah, it’s easy. Shout at that bush over there and point at a tree.”
Asked by one reporter where his wife, who was seen to enter the airport with him, was, Sanders informed reporters, “She’s in the queue for coach check-in. What do you think this is? Equality?”
Fans of Bernie Sanders need not be disappointed, however, for the Senator from Vermont announced that he will now be able to spend more time at your local park attempting to argue with a cloud.
Debate moderator, Rachel Maddow, has been approached for comment, however, we weren’t able to hear what she said because Chuck Todd wouldn’t shut up for long enough.