Bernie Sanders Sits Down With Hillary Clinton to ‘Show Her the Ropes’ of Political Revolution

BOULDER, COLORADO — Though their primary battle has been a tough, hard-fought contest so far, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton recently sat down together at a coffee shop in Colorado to “have a powwow” as one anonymous Clinto aide said. The purpose for the meeting was so that Sanders could give Clinton some “pointers, trips and ticks,” as the aide put it to be “a believable, effective political revolutionary.”

“Madam Secretary Clinton wants to be able to count on Sanders’ supporters to vote for her when the preordained, fated conclusion to the primary happens,” Phillip Ryerson, Deputy Assistant Chief Director of Media Contact for the Clinton camp in Colorado told our reporter, “and Senator Sanders graciously offered to sit down with a white board and some index cards and show her the ropes.”

Ryerson said Sanders “couldn’t have been more thrilled” when he was asked by the Hillary to have the tutoring session.

“Bernie has been doing this revolutionary thing for decades, when Ms. Clinton was still getting her updated software enhancement package,” Ryerson said, “and we’re hoping that with just a few short training sessions that she’ll come off as at least 34.2% more authentic and genuine than she does now.” Ryerson said that while Clinton truly does care about the same topics Sanders does, “Bernie somehow has found a way to sound human talking about them, and Hillary really wants to learn how to do that too.”

Mr. Ryerson said he wanted to make it “abundantly clear” that both Sanders and Clinton wanted the tutoring sessions to take place, because both want to keep full-control of all three branches of American government out of the hands of the Republicans this fall.

“Unlike some of their most strident and bitter opposing supporters,” Ryerson said, “Bernie and Ms. Clinton are willing to admit that either one of them makes a better candidate than the Republicans will run. They both want what’s best for America; it’s just that one has the reputation for never giving up, fighting hard and fast for what they believe in, and another has a reputation of doing all that, but only as long as the polls show a very small political risk in doing so.”

When the first session was over, Ryerson said he and his fellow Clinton staffers could see a marked difference in her.

“Her eyes had a real focus that we haven’t seen since update patch 2.2,” Ryerson said, “and she starting using the word ‘yooge’ a lot. We have a good feeling about this partnership.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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