Benjamin Netanyahu’s (Paraphrased) Congressional Speech

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has come to America to address a joint session of Congress, having been invited by Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) to do so months ago. The invitation itself caused quite a ruckus on the beltway, with prominent Democrats like Senators Liz Warren and Al Franken choosing to skip speech altogether, citing what they feel is a major breach of protocol and an insult to President Barack Obama, whose administration is currently trying to secure a deal with Iran to halt any production of nuclear materials that could lead to Iran gaining nuclear weapons.

It is widely held that Netanyahu has come to America to chastise Obama and those who believe that a nuclear deal with Iran is possible. But if you’re like one of the many Americans who feels they are either too busy or too insulted by Netanyahu’s hubris to tune-in, don’t fret! Your friends here at The Political Garbage Chute have done the leg work once again, and we’ve taken Bibi’s speech, boiled it down, and are now going to present to you the paraphrased version of Netanyahu’s congressional address, presented below.

Please Help Me Blow Up My Enemies

by Benjamin Netanyahu

Hi everyone! It’s your old pal, Bibi Netanyahu. You know, the guy you can trust. The guy who would never lie or exaggerate about anything. The guy who would never lie and exaggerate to the point of bringing and embarrassing, cartoon picture of a bomb to a U.N. Security Council address, implying that a country is “less than a year away” from nuclear armament capabilities, and have every word I say predicated on information that my own security and intelligence teams say is highly misleading and/or bogus?

Yeah, that Bibi Netanyahu.

I’m here today to ask you, the American Congress, to return your great country to what it has proven time and again it does best — blindly bungling into a country and starting a devastating war within its boundaries based on highly suspect intelligence. Just look at what the Iraq War did for the peace and stability of the Iraqi people. In my opinion, it’s time to bring that same American-style peace and stability to the people of Iran.

Iran cannot be trusted. Ever. I mean, like, ever. If they tell you the sky is blue, assume it’s chartreuse. I know, I just kind of got caught in a lie about Iran’s nuclear capabilities myself, but since when is starting wars based on lies something that the United States of America has a monopoly on? We, the people of Israel, demand the right to sabotage the best chance at a nuclear deal with Iran we’ve had in decades because I — like your great President Richard Cheney before me — understand the only way to truly secure peace is to fuck it in the face every chance you get.

War is the only way to secure peace. Your smartest, most astute, most clearly qualified administration — the George W. Cheney Administration — knew this. That’s why they took such efforts to export American democracy and/or war mongering for a full decade. Then comes that other guy and he’s all, “Mehhhh, I wanna make peace with people, mehhhhh.” Whatever, dude. You can’t trust Iran. I’ll say it again — you can’t trust Iran.

Israel wants to fight. Israel needs to fight, and Israel is going to fight…right behind the U.S. Armed Forces. It’ll go you guys, the Brits, the rest of NATO, a few other countries’ armies, and then way in the back we’ll come in somewhere. The bottom line is that we are willing to do whatever it takes to secure victory in Iran, and if that means cowering behind our big friend while he bullies another country, then that is just how brave we’re going to be!

The bottom line, American congress people who weren’t so turned off by my offensive war mongering stunt that they skipped this speech is simple: I want war. Please give me my war. War, war war. Please. War.

In conclusion: War.