Back Off Ben Shapiro. I Know For a Fact His Wife’s Pussy Gets Wet.

The following was opinion essay was written in sum and in part by the editorial board of The Political Garbage ChuteThat happens to be just one person — the author of this piece and most every other (probably shitt) thing written in this publication. That’s, however, not the point. We just wanted to a) use the royal “we” when describing our own, middle-aged, schlubby selves and b) put one of this cool editor’s note thingamabobs at the beginning.

Right-wing commentator Ben Shapiro does not like Cardi B’s new song. In his typical, 6,000 word a minute cadence, Shapiro registered his dislike of the song and it’s lyrics (and let’s be real, what it did to his penacular hang-down organ) to whatever audience he may actually enjoy.

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As an average American human, she takes a shower at least once a day. She may have to skip a day or two like the rest of us, from time to time, but make no mistake — Ben Shapiro’s wife’s pussy most definitely gets wet.

When she’s in the shower. Any time else, well…

Who’s to say, really? Sometimes a woman’s kink is misogyny, racism, and pseudo-intellectual defenses of archaic social beliefs. Maybe that’s her thing. As good, upstanding, morally consistent libtards, the Editorial Board cannot and will not pass judgment on whether or not Ben Shapiro — a man who surely would make most women’s vaginae recoil and go arid within a nanosecond of vibrating his vocal cords. While it may seem obvious that any woman who would be attracted to the kind of person who believe in the wholesale subjugation of women and forcing them to surrender their reproductive autonomy has a bushel full of issues to work though, again, we make no judgements here.

The point is, it’s time to back off Ben Shapiro. Sure he’s a racist who mocked Trayvon Martin’s death. Sure, he’s a bargain basement, motor-mouthed twat-waffle douchebag and people probably only put themselves in his life to get money or other things from him because his personality is toxic and he’s an idiot. But to insult him by saying his wife’s pussy never gets wet? That’s just a bridge too far.

As discussed, if she bathes regularly — and we have to assume someone who sleeps next to Ben Shapiro every night would feel the need to take constant showers — it gets wet. However, if you’re detecting some cheekily implied subtext that Ben himself cannot and does not make his wife’s pussy wet, save it! There are many scenarios in which we could presume Ben got his wife’s pussy wet, and here are just a handful of hypothetical ways that could happen.

  • Ben and his wife have a water balloon fight, and he manages to nail her right in the gooch with one
  • Ben and his wife are playing around near a pool and he hilariously shoves her in, as a prank. We can only assume her pussy would be wet at that point.
  • Ben and his wife accidentally drive into a lake. They have to swim to the shore. It can be safely presumed that her pussy would have been wet for at least part of that situation.
  • Ben comes home and finds his wife watching the WAP video with the blinds closed, the lights off, and can hear a loud buzzing sound from his wife’s office.

In these highly polarized times, it can be easy to forget someone’s humanity if they are on the opposite side of the issues from you. However, we liberals need to hold ourselves to a higher standard of behavior. So, please, stop saying Ben Shapiro can’t get his wife wet. Of course he can. All he needs is some water.

Be better, fellow liberals. Be better.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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