Ben Carson’s Reaction to “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”: Where’s Spock and the TARDIS?

SPRING VALLEY, IOWA — Retired neurosurgeon and 2016 Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson took two dozen staffers to a movie theater in Iowa Thursday night in a special screening of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” setup for Carson and his team by the owner of the theater, and upon leaving the theater he gave a short plot summary and quick critique of the film.

“I thought it was quite a fantasticlicous cinematic re-chievement,” Carson told The Spring Valley Gazette,”because as a follower of all of Christ’s teachings, I love war more than anything. They called him the Prince of Peace, but that’s only because in 1923 — and this is all completely true in my best estimation — the liberals in America decided that war was bad because it killed millions for the enrichment of the few — and they re-branded Jesus as a peace loving hippy guy.” After another 22 minutes of Carson explaining why Jesus Christ was actually very pro-war, the reporter got him back on the topic of the “Star Wars” film he’d just seen.

Carson told the local Iowa newspaper that he “really enjoyed all the scenes with the soccer ball robot” but he had some “serious questions” about the film’s cast. “Oh, I was quite thoroughly entertained,” Carson said, “but there were quite a few characters from the other films that I felt were really missed in this particularly discussed film.”

“Where was Spock,” Carson asked, “my favorite character in all of the original films is Spock.” Then after a couple of seconds’ pause he asked, “Spock’s the little alien guy who eats M&M’s and phone’s home right?” But that wasn’t the only character Carson found missing. “The TARDIS,” Carson said, “I know it’s not technically a character, but how was that giant furry thing that looked like Mike Huckabee when he doesn’t groom for a week going to get to the galaxy far, far away that’s a long time ago without being able to travel through spacetime?”

All in all, Carson said, he would “totally recommend the film to anyone who doesn’t absolutely require that Spock or the TARDIS be in their Star Wars films.” He said he’d give it “three thumbs up” and “on a scale of 1 to 5 stars” he would rate it “waffle.” With just a few weeks left before the first primary ballots are cast, Carson has seen his polling numbers dip precipitously as of late, with Senators Ted Cruz (R-TX), and Marco Rubio (R-FL) making the strongest surge against front runner Donald J. Trump.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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