Ben Carson Warns Gina Haspel Against Ordering Expensive Office Torture Devices

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, President Donald Trump’s controversial pick to lead the CIA, Gina Haspel, was confirmed by a thin, mostly party line vote in the Senate.

Despite serious reservations and scrutiny of her past support for George W. Bush era policies that allowed for waterboarding and other forms of “extra rendition” on suspected terrorists, Haspel will become the Central Intelligence Agency’s very first female director. Democrats and even a couple of Republicans expressed grave concerns that Haspel had never fully, publicly, condemned the practice of waterboarding before her confirmation. However deep their concerns, a handful of Democrats from red states joined the rest of the Republicans in the Senate and pushed Haspel’s confirmation forward.

This morning, Housing and Urban Development Secretary and alleged brain surgeon Dr. Ben Carson sent Haspel a letter of congratulations, but his note also contained a dire warning for the newly minted CIA Director.

“Gina, my heartiest and warmest congratulations on being confirmed,” Carson said. “I remember my own confirmation quite well, and I know how much excitement you must be feeling right now. However, I must caution you not to let your accomplishment go to your head and start thinking you can just willy-nilly buy whatever you want to decorate your office with.”

Carson told Haspel to “take it from” him and keep her office furnishing purchases “reasonable and fair to the taxpayer.”

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.

“Don’t be buying any super-spendy, flashy office torture devices,” Carson wrote. “Be sensible, be honest, be reasonable and fair to the taxpayer. After all, they want to help you furnish your office, but they may not want to pay for the top of the line rack; maybe choose an after market one, or maybe an off-brand one. And when it comes to iron maidens, perhaps a used, but certified refurbished one might do instead of a flashy, brand new one?”

Dr. Carson tells Haspel he can have his staff provide her with “price appropriate purveyors” of medieval torture devices.

“That way you can outfit your office in ways that make you feel at home, without breaking your budget,” Carson writes. “Once again, welcome aboard and I look forward to working with your agency to round up my fellow urbans and — wait. I’m not supposed to put that in writing…where’s the eraser on this electronic typewriter thingy…”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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