Ben Carson Stays at Ritz-Carlton, Wonders Where All the Crackers Are Kept

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS — At a press conference late this week, neurosurgeon and 2016 Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters he was “incredibly unnerved” by his recent stay at a Ritz-Carlton hotel in Boston.

“I was in town for a fundraiser,” Carson said out in front of the luxury hotel Thursday evening, “and I checked into this fine hotel. Of course we all know that Adam and Eve started the first hotel in the Garden of Eden about 6,000 years ago.” After another ten minutes telling the story of the first hotel that he heard in Sunday School growing up, Carson returned to the subject at hand and the reason for his calling of the press conference. “So after I checked-in, I headed up to my suite,” Dr. Carson said, “but darned if I couldn’t find any Ritz crackers.”

Carson, who also recently made headlines for repeatedly mixing up Hamas, an Islamic fundamentalist terrorist group and hummus, the chick pea, garlic, and Tahini emulsion that is a popular Middle Eastern dish that has made its way to the New World. The mix-up came while Carson was addressing a group made up of Jewish Republicans on the campaign trail.

“So I went down to the front desk,” Dr. Carson told reporters, “and I asked them where all the crackers are kept.” Dr. Carson said the woman working the front desk was “a little confused” when he asked her about crackers, so he clarified. “This is the Ritz Carlton, I asked her,” he said. She responded in the affirmative. “So then, where are all the Ritz crackers kept? I’d like some please,” Carson said he requested of her.

“Sir,” the front desk attendant reportedly told Carson, “the Ritz-Carlton is a hotel chain. Ritz Crackers are a registered trademark of Nabisco, and we don’t have some large trove of them on hand, I’m sorry.”

Dr. Carson told reporters he was “saddened, but mostly confused” by what he was told. “Though, let’s be fair,” he said immediately after, “I’m pretty much confused about every single thing, to the point that most rational people would want to look into my medical malpractice history because it just seems incongruous that a dope like me would be one of the people we trust most to work on brains and stuff.” Then with a giggle, Carson shrugged. “I just wanted some crackers to tip into that lovely Hamas that a supporter made just for me! I love Hamas! Especially with roasted red pepper in it,” Carson exclaimed.

“I’ll find those crackers,” Carson said, “because I’m here for another couple days, and I just don’t trust her. She seemed like she had gone to public school, and was therefore indoctrinated into the liberal mindset of ‘try to keep guns away from dangerous people and children’ and ‘the Ritz-Carlton hotel chain has nothing to do with Ritz crackers.'”

Carson is currently dropping in the polls, though just a couple of weeks ago he had and even tied overtaken billionaire mogul Donald J. Trump for the front runner position in some polls.