Ben Carson Says He’d Have Attacked the Iceberg If He’d Have Been on the Titanic

RUSHING SPRINGS, IOWA — Dr. Ben Carson continued his string of comments on human tragedies that he would have been able to either avert or simply handle better than those who were victims of the tragedy over the weekend at a campaign stop in Iowa.

Speaking to a crowd in front of a bowling alley, Carson told supporters that his puzzling comments regarding The Holocaust and whether it could have been avoided if the Jewish people in Europe that Hitler exterminated had simply had guns to defend themselves was not as crazy as the “liberal media” would have them believe, he said. “Some have said it’s nuts for me to presume that repressed victims of genocidal tyranny could have stood up the might of an entire nation’s military that was rounding up said victims,” Carson told the crowd, “but I don’t care what common sense and history have told us about stuff, I believe what I believe. You know, like they taught me to do in medical school. Ignore evidence presented to me and go with my feels.”

“Is it so crazy to think that guns in the hands of the Jews would have stopped the Holocaust,” Carson asked, “I mean, sure, they were being rounded up at gun point, and would have been ridiculously outnumbered and likely shot dead anyway, but does that really mean my ideas are really, really dumb,” the neurosurgeon asked rhetorically. The 2016 Republican presidential and occasional front runner then told the crowd he’d have led a charge against the Nazis if he had been living with Anne Frank, and he said he’d have beaten the Nazis back “with American exceptionaliocity.”

Carson then said the Holocaust wasn’t the only historic tragedy he’d have handled better than the victims did, and he used the sinking of the Titanic in 1912. The conservative Republican told his crowd that if he had been on the deck of the massive ocean liner that famously sunk after striking an iceberg, he was certain he’d have survived, even if he had been in the lower class decks of the ship.

“I wouldn’t just sit there and drown if I was I was on the Titanic,” Carson told the crowd, “I’m an American with innate greatness running through my veins. I’d have tackled that iceberg, head-on. I’d have looked around at the other passengers and told them, ‘That ocean may drown some of us, but it can’t drown all of us!'” Carson said that if his attempts to rally the passengers to attack the iceberg didn’t work, he’d still have survived.

“Because I’m a heck of a great swimmer,” Carson said, adding, “and I’ve definitely swam better than those posers who died in the ocean. That’s why you should vote for me — because I am literally incapable of failing at anything. I would have and will do everything and anything better than everyone else. Just take my word for it. Because I’m Ben Carson, and like water is dry and up is down — you can count on me to get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Always.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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