Ben Carson’s Niece Repeatedly Refers To Him To Her Friends As “Tom”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a recent visit to her uncle’s new office in the nation’s capital, Housing Secretary Ben Carson’s niece couldn’t seem to get his name right, according to several highly placed sources.

“So Ben’s niece comes in with, like, three of her friends,” one source told us, “and she immediately says she can’t wait for them to meet Tom. She corrected herself really quickly, but she made the mistake throughout the visit.”

As she was walking her friends from the security station back to Carson’s office with his executive assistant, she regaled her friends with stories of “Tom’s tremendous career as a brain surgeon” and “Tom’s presidential campaigns.” Sources could hear Carson’s niece erroneously refer to him in this manner a handful of times before they even got to his office.

“Tom’s always been so nice to me,” Secretary Carson’s niece was heard saying, “I mean the whole family just always thought he was slow, and he always seemed willing to throw us all under the bus if it made himself look good to his white bosses. But still, very sweet. Tom’s just a sweet, sweet guy.”

Carson being selected as HUD Secretary raised many eyebrows. Some wondered if he’d be better suited for the Surgeon General role as he had no experience in housing. Trump, however, has said that he feels Dr. Carson is a good fit for the department because “he’s an urban, and the department has the word ‘urban’ in it.” By her estimation, Carson’s niece said she feels people are underestimating her uncle by “a fair bit,” according to sources.

“He’s a narcoleptic who somehow managed to become a brain surgeon,” his niece said to her friends, “and that’s saying nothing of his intellect. I mean, he thinks the pyramids are ancient grain silos. None of us in the family ever thought he’d do this, but we quickly saw it’s a bad idea to count Tom out of anything except the Most Energized and Motivating Speaker awards.”

Finally, the time came for his niece to introduce Carson to her friends. He came out of his office, wiping sleep from his eyes. He yawned, and removed his sleeping cap.

“I’m sorry, were you napping,” his niece asked.

Carson shook his head “no.”

“Nope, I was just existing in a semi-comatose state as per my usual,” Carson said.

“Oh, wonderful,” Carson’s niece said, “well, I want you to meet my friends.”

She waved her friends over. Carson shook them all by the hand as she introduced him.

“Everybody, I want you to meet my Uncle Tom,” she began saying. She stopped herself short. She was about to correct herself when she noticed the TV on in her uncle’s office.

On the screen, she saw Dr. Carson from the day prior. She could hear him referring to slaves as “immigrants.”

“I guess I should rephrase that,” Carson’s niece said, shaking her head at what she heard, “I want you to meet Everybody’s Uncle Tom.”

Dr. Carson would have been offended if he’d read the book, or any book besides The Bible or brain surgery manuals in the last thirty years. He also would have been offended, maybe, if he had not just fallen asleep on his feet. He snapped awake when his niece poked him, told her he’d see her back at the cabin President Trump had built for him, then bade her and her friends adieu.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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