Ben Carson: I Would Have Had the Fetuses Help Me Overtake Colorado Springs Shooter

FOUVILLE, NEW HAMPSHIRE — 2016 Republican contender Dr. Ben Carson became one of the first of the GOP’s presidential field to break his silence on the tragic shooting at a Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs, Colorado last week.

While many of the Republicans’ voluminous field of candidates chose to stay mum on the shooting — including former HP CEO Carly Fiorina who helped put Planned Parenthood in the spotlight during the second televised debate — Carson told reporters after a rally in a small New Hampshire town Sunday afternoon that he was “always the brave one in the family, especially when trying to either stab someone or to speak out about a tragedy,” and that he was ready to do the latter. “Well, let’s just start by saying that it’s a terrible thing,” Carson said, “but let’s also not forget that the facility was a gun free zone, and that more importantly, if I had been there things would have been drastically different.”

“I wouldn’t have just stood there and let myself be shot,” Dr. Carson told reporters. He has previously made similar comments about other mass shootings, and once implied that had Jews had guns, the Holocaust would never have happened. This time he said, would have been no different. “I’d have rallied the unborn fetuses at that Planned Parenthood clinic to help me overtake the shooter,” Carson said with the kind of certainty one usually has in their voice when answering a simple math question like adding two and two, adding, “I mean, duh. I’m a doctor. I speak fetus. They taught me in Bible Medical School.”

After the rally which saw Carson speak to roughly 1,500 ardent supporters, the retired neurosurgeon attempted to explain to reporters how exactly he’d get unborn fetuses to help him take down the shooter. He said that he’d use standard American sign language because “it’s a little known fact that all babies all fetuses develop an immediate mastery of ASL.” Carson said he’d “simply reach [his] hand up inside the woman’s baby factory parts” and “sign the words for ‘get out here and help me take this bastard down.'”

“Sure, he’d have gotten the drop on us,” Carson said, “and sure we probably wouldn’t have any real time to react, and even if I had been carrying as a doctor on the grounds which would be really, really stupid and weird I’d have probably been taken totally by surprise and therefore shot and my gun taken by the attacker, if enough fetuses and pregnant women helped me, we could have stormed the shooter and overtaken him! I just know it, or my name isn’t Born Corestone!”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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