HUD Secretary Ben Carson Wants To Fix Homelessness By Calling The Homeless ‘Hobos’ Again

WASHINGTON, D.C. — “Just like you can’t fix a complex problem like terrorism without literally saying the words ‘radical Islamic terrorism,” Ben Carson told a crowd recently, “you can’t fix homelessness without first dealing with the superficial things, and making sure they’re as offensive as humanly possible.”

The giant sign hanging over the entryway to the auditorium where Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson was set to announce a new plan for fixing homelessness read, “MAKE THE HOMELESS HOBOS AGAIN” and featured the hashtag #MHHA.

“Ladies and gentleman of the country of the United States of America,” Secretary Carson began his speech in front of a homeless shelter in the D.C. area, “it is my great privilege to unveil to you an idea the likes of which have not been seen since the Egyptians built their great grain silos we now call the pyramids.”

Though he had just been confirmed by the Senate, Dr. Carson told the small crowd gathered there that he wanted to “get out ahead” of his work and “make an impactful impact of important import” as soon as humanly possible.

“So I talked to the Big Guy,” Carson said, “no, not God. The other Big Guy. The more important Big Guy, at least for the next four years, that’s right. Co-President Trump. And once he got permission from Co-President Bannon, he gave me permission to take this new initiative to you, the American people of America Land and whatnot.”

Beginning in 2018, Carson would like the Department of Housing and Urban Development to begin referring to the homeless as “hobos.” Carson said that he, Trump, and Bannon all agree that the nation’s homeless have “simply had it too easy for too long” and that “a little tough love might fix all that.” Carson noted that when society referred to the homeless as hobos, there might still have been homelessness, but it was “more fun to talk and joke about.”

“This country used to have a very rich tradition of hobo caricatures,” Carson said, “and there was a time when every comedian had himself a hobo character to play on the hamburger and pie circuit. Now, all of a sudden it’s bad to call them hobos, and we have to treat them with dignity and respect just because they’re human? That sounds ridiculous to me, and I’m a brain surgery do-er guy.”

Dr. Carson believes that if you “let a poor person feel too human” they might not be motivated enough to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” when needed.

“And everyone has those bootstraps,” Carson said, “everyone has the magic, divinely inspired power within them to magically make things better. You just have to work harder. That’s why we know for a one hundred percent fact that billionaires are so rich because they simply work billions of times harder than everyone else. Period.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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