Schiese’s Volley, Iowa — With a mere 19 months between now and when Americans will choose their next president, the urgency to declare one’s candidacy for said office has ramped-up in recent weeks. The Democrats have so far seen the presumed candidate and de facto winner before any votes are ever cast in the primary, let alone the general election Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders, the independent “socialist” candidate whom Clinton was borrowing rhetoric from for the short time she had the Dems’ field all to herself. On the right side of the aisle, Republicans have seen Senators Rand Paul (KY), Ted Cruz (TX), and Marco Rubio (FL) all declare officially. Evangelical Christian and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee was expected to be entering the fray soon himself, but Dr. Ben Carson — the African-American Republican doctor who called Obamacare “the worst thing since” slavery — is hoping to scare Huckabee off the scent of available votes from the Religious Right’s rank and file voters.
“Everyone wants to say that Huck’s the guy for you if you’re religious,” Carson told an assembled crowd at one of his very first official campaign stops in a small town in Iowa. “But you know what? fuck Mike Huckabee,” Dr. Carson told the audience, “I’m the religious Religious Nuts’ candidate, and I can prove it!” Carson then produced a stack of notebook cards, each with something he had said or done written on it, offering them as proof of his religious “kookery,” as he’d later call it.
“Uh, which other candidate has openly predicted that Maobama the Socialist Kenyan Communist Usurper would cancel next year’s election to retain power for himself,” Carson asked, waving an index card, then grabbing another, “which other candidate has such a horrible grasp of the Constitution, combined with a stunning lack of empathy for the LGBT community that is guided by a bastardization of Christian principles enough to actually think that Congress has the power to remove judges if they vote for marriage equality? That’s right, motherfuckers! ME! I’m the guy. If you’re crazy for Jesus in a way that makes you literally crazy, then vote for me!”
Carson began pacing on the stage with his cards now, sweat forming on his brow. “Seriously, folks, if you consider yourself even slightly religiously nuts, you have to vote for me,” Carson said almost desperately. “I’m the guy who actually thinks in 2015 that being gay is a choice because sometimes when dudes are in jail they choose to fuck each other rather than go years without sexual intimacy and release! If you believe in a magical sky man who created the planet 6,000 years ago, you could vote for Huckabee, sure, or you could vote for the guy who said that same-sex marriage is a Marxist plot — and we all know it so totes is — and I am that man!”
“I want to be the candidate in 2016 that reminds everyone what life was like in 1816,” Carson said. “And yes, if that means I have to be shackled, sold to a farmer in the South, and serve my time as president working 20 hour days, being whipped at night, and then sold on down the line when I have had all my ‘usefulness’ used up, then so be it,” the former neurosurgeon said. “Whatever it takes to put the uppity gays and minorities — and I assure you I am as un-uppity as Negroes come — then I am all for it.”
Dr. Carson didn’t want the assembled audience to think he was only crazy when it came to LGBT issues. “And let me tell you something — if you call yourself a Christian and yet still get a hard-on for war and killing little foreign brown people, I am the guy for you! I literally don’t believe that there are things such as ‘war crimes’ and the Geneva convention can suck my balls!”
Carson wrapped up his short speech by reinforcing his campaign’s main narrative — he is the candidate of choice for reality-denying religious sycophants. “Look, I get it,” Carson told the group, “every Republican candidate is going to try and sell you on their religious views, but most of them are currently still serving in an official capacity somewhere so they have to temper their rhetoric. But me? I’m just a theocratic dictator in the offing, piping out stale rhetoric from a bygone era, and so I have nothing to lose. I will say and have said anything that pops into my head, no matter how dumb. I can say the things you want to believe no, matter how illogical and nonsensical.
I can just spout utter drivel that isn’t backed-up by science. I can buy into every baseless conspiracy theory and treat it like reality. I can sellout progress in the name of antiquity, modernity in the name of status quo. But most importantly — I am a batshit crazy religious nutbar, and God knows you guys love voting for them…so please, fuck Mike Huckabee, and vote for me, Dr. Ben Carson on election day! Thanks, and God bless America!”