BALBUCEO, NEW MEXICO — Sources close to the presidential campaign of Dr. Ben Carson are saying that he and his staff have made a key decision in regards to the schedule they will keep. According to at least three top level advisers who spoke on condition of anonymity and Slim Jims, Dr. Carson has decided to clear his entire fundraising and campaign stop agenda in order to focus on making more “incoherent babbling bullshit” statements. Those same sources say that their internal polling has shown that Carson’s supporters not only react favorably to his less than logical statements, that is the key determining factor in their support of him.
“It’s amazing,” one Carson aide told our reporter, “he’ll go out and imply that abortion is like slavery, or that a Muslim should literally be disqualified from being the president, and whereas most people’s numbers would plummet for saying these ridiculously anachronistically challenged things, with baseline Republican voters he actually sees a polling surge.” That same aide said that when Carson “implied that the Holocaust might have been less terrible, or even stopped, had Jews gotten their hands on guns” that he and several other staffers started packing up their desks because “ordinarily, no one could utter such a trite and historically inaccurate assessment of the causes and factors of the Final Solution and not have it end their campaigns” but that he was shocked when the next week their polling showed yet another increase in support.
Billy Ricardella is a former Carson campaign adviser and he told the media recently that he doesn’t think there is a ceiling to how high Carson’s numbers can climb if he just keeps saying things like that he believes that the government should monitor college campuses for speech that is too liberal. “I mean, he’s sitting there advocating censorship and his supporters are totally down for it. He could suggest that we rename the country Fart Town and as long as he threw in that the liberal media didn’t want the country to be named Fart Town, his numbers would skyrocket the next day,” Ricardella told us.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if next week Dr. Carson came out and told the world if he was elected president he’d make Christianity the official religion of America, and that anyone caught outside a church on Sunday would be executed,” another top aide told us. “Because then,” they said, “he would see his support among the evangelical base move toward truly epic proportions. There is literally nothing too extreme, too dumb, or too nonsensical for Ben Carson and his supporters at this point.”
But will all these statements play next year, should Carson win the nomination and have to face a Democrat in the general election? “Oh, hell no,” Ricardella said, “he’s cooked if he makes it to the general. Most people find this shit crazy, not commendable. But if you think Carson’s out there to actually win the election, you’ve clearly forgotten he has a book to sell. But winning voters in the general election isn’t what Republicans care about anymore, because they think they just have to say the most conservative thing possible and sit back and wait for the great awakening of the silent, moral majority. They think it’s 1980 again, and that’s because they haven’t seen any polling about who identifies as Christian or Republican these days.”
“All he wants to do is make money for his campaign and promote his book,” Ricardella said finally, “so of course he doesn’t care what comes out of his mouth now, or any other day.”