Bearded, Bigoted Attention Whore Gives Ignorant Opinions on Subjects He Doesn’t Understand

CONNARD, LOUISIANA — While on hiatus from filming his hit reality-TV show, Will Roberts was recently spotted at his local fishing hole, extolling the virtues of HB2, North Carolina’s bathroom law, and a whole host of other issues he would later admit to “not knowing fuck-all” about.

Roberts and his nephews and brother star in “Hunting Douches,” a reality show about their company that sells hunting gear. Roberts and his family are unabashed, born-again evangelical Christians and have had both Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz on their show to take the Republican politicians and former presidential candidates out hunting. Residents of the small town in Louisiana that the Roberts family lives and shoots their TV show in recently overheard Will talking to his buddies about HB2 and a whole host of other topics and they contacted us to relay the details.

“Here’s the thing,” Roberts was overheard telling his compatrtiots, “my understanding of sex and gender is very basic because I don’t take the time to learn anything new since I assume anything taught to me in a government-funded school is lies. I mean, that’s just good, common sense. But because my views of gender and sex are trapped in a time before we had made such tremendous strides in biological and psychological research into transgender issues like gender dysphoria, I simply cannot understand why someone would be born with a female sex organ but identify as male. That confusion causes me to lash out and say dumb stuff like, ‘Why can’t the boys use the boys room and the girls use the girls room’ and shit.”

Roberts’ friends nodded in agreement.

“I mean, I’m just looking out for America’s young girls,” Will pressed on, “someone has to shepherd them to the age of 16 where they should be married off in accordance to our rich, biblical marriage tradition. Marrying young girls is advice I love to give full-grown men.”

Will then started talking about marriage equality. He said that Christians just want to keep marriage as it was in the bible.

“Between a man, his several wives, his concubines, and his slaves,” Roberts insisted, “that’s the way God wants it. That’s the way it should be. But yet we act surprised when we legalize gay marriage in Massachusetts in the 1990’s and then, suddenly, almost a decade later 9/11 happens? I mean, wake up America!”

Mr. Roberts then moved onto the subject of race relations.

“Call me crazy,” Roberts said, “but you never saw Martin Luther King, Jr. demanding that we respect the fact that black lives matter. All he did was peacefully demonstrate in ways that showed the American people he and his fellow blacks were people and they mattered. Totally different than you have today. Because racism is over. Like, totally over. Just ask Donald Sterling and that guy who Donald Trump just picked as his delegate in California.”

Over the next several hours, Roberts pontificated on a whole slew of social issues, all of which he fundamentally misunderstood or flat-out denied as a problem. He said that “Muslims should feel lucky to live in this great, fundamentally Christian nation of ours,” that “women only make less because they choose to even though when you compare the same job to the same job instead of lumping them all together to obfuscate the truth you see that a wage gap still exists” and that “people on welfare are lazy even though they are required by law to be working or actively seeking a job and welfare does not last forever.”

“Hunting Douches” will debut its ninth season on the RedNecTV channel this Fall.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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