Researchers at the Centers For Uncontrolled Diseases excitedly announced today that, thanks to this past weekend being one of the warmest of late on both the east and west coast, the weather seems to have motivated thousands of dipshits to leave their homes and head to their local beaches. CUD Doctors say that the flood of thousands of beer-guzzling, lotioned-up morons will help to spread the coronavirus, which according to the chief research officer of the country’s leading anti-medical institute is “quite exciting.”
“All of us here at the CUD were obviously very worried about how well efforts to flatten the curve of COVID-19 infections has gone in states like California,” Dr. Biff Butcher told reporters during a press conference with reporters who were deliberately placed just inches from his face. “It’s not hard to see how well California managed to flatten their rate of infections, which of course concerns a group like ours that is dedicated to helping viruses and other diseases spread like wildfire as much as possible.”
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Dr. Butcher says he went into the weekend worried that another few months of social distancing and stay-at-home orders would push the rate of infections to nearly zero. That, he said, would be “absolutely devastating” for CUD, which has fought so hard to keep Americans contracting COVID-19. Butcher said that CUD has been dumping money on ads that run on conservative talk radio shows, encouraging “America’s keenly stupid and insanely dumb patriots” to protest the lockdowns.
“As good as it was for us to see those protests, because they absolutely helped spread coronavirus,” Butcher divulged, “nothing could have prepared me for how great I’d feel when I saw all the reports of dipshit after dipshit, dumbfuck after dumbfuck, douching the beaches with their presence! As someone devoted to spreading infectious diseases, it was one of the true highlights of my life to see all those people who clearly value a suntan more than their grandparents’ lives.”
It’s no secret that some states have done a better job at “not doing fuck-all” to address the coronavirus than others, Butcher said. The CUD “watched with glee,” Dr. Butcher said, as they saw “certain, neo-confederate states” resist the temptation to take COVID-19 seriously enough to shut down businesses until it was too late. That kind of “bold faced fecklessness” and “wholesale, manifest negligence” makes the CUD’s job just that much easier, Walker said.
“The CUD has been out here sounding the alarm for weeks,” Butcher said. “We saw the initial results from states that embraced the idea of social distancing, and we started raising red flags almost immediately. We’ve been telling people how important it is to our work to stop stopping the spread of coronavirus. If we can manage to stop stopping the spread, we could kill off thousands upon thousands more people, and if there’s anything the people who tell you they’re pro-life believe, it’s that thousands of people should die instead of us incurring some debt to save them.”
While he held everyone’s attention, Dr. Butcher reiterated some of the CUD’s “most vital and important guidance” that it has issued since the outbreak started.
“Let me just also take the time to restate, once more, a few things that from the CUD’s perspective Americans need to consider adopting as part of their daily lives,” Butcher said. “Firstly, please continue to lick each other’s nostrils clean after after meal. Secondly, all senior living center orgies should be held as scheduled, with extra ATM, people. We can’t be sure if COVID-19 is spread from anus to penis to mouth contact, but we can’t risk it is and not have you doing it ATM. We could wind up missing a big chance to spread this disease as far as it can go.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.