Basic White Woman Who’s Never Interacted With Cops Against Defunding Them

LAS ESTUPIDAS BLANCAS, CALIFORNIA — 38 year old cosmetics consultant Christiana Vacaciones says she has “many black friends” and that none of them have ever told her to her face that her beliefs about Black Lives Matters, and policing in general, are “wrong, racist, or bad.” Ms. Vacaciones  recently posted to her various social media accounts that she’s “sick and tired of all the anger, hate, and division” in America, particularly in the wake of the tragic death of George Floyd, an unarmed black man who was killed by a white Minneapolis police officer kneeling on his neck, while three other uniformed officers simply stood watch. The entire act was caught on film.

Vacaciones says that video is “sad and whatever” but that she doesn’t support the protests or the riots that have engulfed several American cities.

More: Selfish Fuck Oppressed by Polite Request to Wear Face Mask in Public

“Again, let me just say that I know a few black people, and none of them have ever told me anything to my face, directly, about this being wrong,” Christiana opined, “but I think black community is really doing itself a disservice by complaining so much about cops killing them. I mean, more people are killed by the flu every year than are killed by cops, so why should we presume it’s a bad thing when a cop kills someone without a trial?”

Ms. Vacaciones admits that she’s never had any interaction with a police officer, but she wonders if “literal centuries of abuse” of American citizens is enough to warrant defunding police departments with well-documented histories of such abuse.

“Look, do I know firsthand what it’s like to deal with an authoritarian cop drunk on his own power, abusing me just because he can,” Vacaciones asked rhetorically in her post, “Of course I don’t. I follow all the laws! I’ve heard some of my black friends tell me that they get pulled over when they’re not doing anything, but there are so many laws, how can they really be sure they haven’t broken any?!”

When people protest or riot, Vacaciones says, it “plays a dangerous game people’s emotions.”

“Don’t they realize they won’t convince people to care about extrajudicial murder if they don’t protest in ways that keep us from being upset or inconvenienced,” Vacaciones asked. “And to make matters worse, now you want us to take money away from cops, just because they kill people with impunity? Umm, what?”

Instead of protests or riots, Vacaciones says, she has some “easy to implement suggestions” for people who want to protest systemic racism.

“Try walking up to someone and just tapping them on the shoulder, and whispering in their ear,” Vacaciones suggested, “or, better yet, and hear me out — don’t say anything, like, ever! Just assume that we’re all totally, like, upset by racism, okay? Just assume that we’re on your side, even if we’re not willing to exert literally any effort to help fix the situation. Basically, whatever you do to bring our awareness to this issue, don’t. Don’t bring our awareness or get our attention! We want to live in ignorance of your pain until we die!”

More: Man Is ‘Blown Away’ How Much ‘It Stinks’ That His Girlfriend Can’t Stop Farting During Quarantine

Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This