Barr Officially Renames DOJ the “Donald Trump’s Department of Trumpian Justice as Long as Trump Agrees”

WASHINGTON, D.C — This morning, the President of the United States issued a tweet congratulating his Attorney General for interceding on behalf of the administration to ask that a much lighter sentence be given to one of the president’s most loyal political operatives.

The tweet sent shockwaves of anger and frustration among some on the left and the right, as it seemed to be a case of the president crowing about abusing his authority and directing the wheels of justice to turn only in the direction he commands. The tweet faced sharp criticism from both Democrats and “Never Trump” Republicans for apparently reveling in his ability to break precedent and norms, now that the Senate has acquitted him on charges that he abused his power last year when he tried to extort Ukraine into politically motivated investigations into his rivals.

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However, a new development just announced by the AG may make the criticism moot. A formal change at the DOJ has been announced by the attorney general himself, and it’s unclear just how all the details will sit with those who were already worried about the wholesale politicization of the department.

Whether or not it’s a purely cosmetic change is not certain at this time, but a major revision has been made to the name of one of the most important and powerful governmental departments in America. In a press conference this morning, Attorney General William Barr officially announced he had decided to rechristen the Department of Justice to “something more befitting the era we live in.” Barr said it will take a few weeks to roll out all the letterhead and change signs all across the country, but that he is confident the changes will please his boss.

“And of course by boss I mean President Donald Trump, not the American people who, technically speaking, pay my salary,” Barr said.

Starting next week, the DOJ will be officially renamed “Donald Trump’s Department of Trumpian Justice as Long as Trump Agrees.” Barr said he admits that the new department title is quite long, but that it was “vitally important” that Americans understand what the purpose of the department is now. Barr said he came to the conclusion he needed to “put all the cards on the table” after Trump ordered him to help lower the sentence handed down to former Trump adviser Roger Stone.

“Americans may have gotten used to how things were done in this country for a few decades, but now is the time of Trumpian values. It is a time of Trumpian leadership,” Barr said, “and therefore, it should be a time of Trumpian justice…as long as President Trump agrees, of course. Should he change his mind tomorrow, we’ll scrap it and go with something else. You know, exactly the kind of royal, kingly behavior the framers had in mind when they formed our government.”

Perhaps sensing that there would be numerous questions about this move, Barr appeared to try and head off some of those questions.

“What’s Trumpian justice, you might ask? Well, the answer is as simple as the mind behind it,” Barr explained. “Trumpian justice is whatever our Dear President says it is. Maybe it’s rounding up people who have said they won’t vote for him this fall and putting them in border camps. Maybe it’s suspending the First Amendment because it could lead to flagrant criticism of his narcissism. Maybe it’s making it illegal for firstborn daughters to reject sexual favors from their fathers. It’s all in flux now, fam.”

The Donald Trump’s Department of Trumpian Justice as Long as Trump Agrees has also opened up a new hotline for tips. However, the hotline is not open to the public. Rather, it’s a direct line from the Oval Office to Barr’s office at the DTDOTJALATA. This was done to eliminate the need for Trump to take “unnecessary extra steps” to engage the department and initiate new investigations.

“Quite frankly, it’s his justice department, so any red tape we can cut between him and us is going to benefit everyone,” Barr said, “and of course by everyone I mean the president and his cronies. Which, again, is exactly the kind of lawless dictatorship the Constitution all but demands.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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