NEW DRISCOLL, TEXAS — On Sunday afternoon, just hours after he suspended his presidential campaign, Republican Jeb! Bush was spotted at a Texas ice cream shop, sitting with his mother Barbara Bush, eating a bowl of Rocky Road, while she tried to both cheer him up and scold him.
“Now, Jebby, I want you to eat this ice cream and feel better about yourself,” Barbara reportedly told the younger Bush brother as she slurped up rainbow sherbet in her own bowl, “but you know kid-o, you probably should have listened to me way back when I told the world you shouldn’t run. If your mother didn’t want you to be president, I don’t know why you’d think that anyone else would.”
Between slow, quiet sobs and spoons of delicious ice cream, Jeb! often nodded his head in agreement with Barbara, saying for little except “Yes, ma’am” or “No, ma’am.” Patrons and employees of the ice cream shop are telling the media that Mrs. Bush was the one who treated Jeb! and paid for the ice cream.
“You’ve already blown through $150 million, son,” Barbara chided Jeb! as he attempted to pull out his wallet, “let me get the ice cream. You just stand there and think about what you’ve done.”
“Yes, mother,” Jeb! said with a resigned sigh. He stood there while Barbara brought out her purse, reached inside for her wallet, and then handed the cashier a $20 bill. She turned to Jeb! and with a twinkle in her eye she told him not to feel bad because none of the Bush men would ever end up on currency.
She tried to cheer her son up by telling him that his dad only had one term and his brother was still “dumber than a box of used barf bags,” and Jeb! did briefly chuckle.
“He really is dumb, isn’t he Mama,” Jeb! asked with an uptick in his voice.
“He’s the dumbest one by far,” Barbara said with a knowing nod, “and then again he actually won so…”
That’s when Jeb! had reportedly been pushed too far and he momentarily snapped.
“He wouldn’t have won with me, Motherrrrrrrrrrrrr,” Jeb! shouted, “I gave him Florida in 2000. That was back when both he and I were considered presidential material. But he had to go mess it all up for me! It’s just like in high school, Mom! I got there after him, and everyone already was heckling me for being related to him! He’s always going before me and ruining things, Mom! But you always take his side and I’m sick of it!” Jeb threw his spoon down into his bowl.
Barbara open-handed smacked him across the mouth.
“That’s for back-talk,” she said, “don’t you forget I’m your mother! Now be quiet and eat your Rocky Road!”
That’s when the door to the ice cream shop flew open, and Jeb!’s brother George walked in wearing a letterman’s jacket. He passed by several patrons at other tables, smirking and grabbing their ice cream and taking licks without asking. Seeing his mom and brother at a table, George walked over to them, dumped Jeb!’s ice cream on the floor, farted in his brother’s face, and then ran out of the ice cream shop cackling. Barbara was beaming at her son as he left.
Jeb! simply sat there quietly for two hours as the customers and employees moved around him. Barbara went home and told George how proud of him she was, and they all dabbed away tears of laughter with money earned on the corpses of dead U.S. soldiers, sacrificed in Iraq for an illegal war, and all was right in the universe once again.