Barbara Bush Is Doing So Much Blow In The Afterlife Right Now

WAITING ROOM, THE AFTER LIFE — Today, former First Lady Barbara Bush left the Mortal Realm and entered the queue awaiting her placement in the After Life’s lineup of 5-Star Eternal Time Shares. It’s being widely reported that Mrs. Bush’s mood is cheerful and light, though she was reportedly “slightly bummed” that she didn’t take a younger form in the eternal waiting room, but would have to wait until she was given her final living arrangements. However, reports are also coming in that Mrs. Bush has wasted no time “tying one on” and celebrating 92 years of earthly existence.

“Barbara was the first to ask where the coke was,” said Lyle Stephens, a 56 year old tax accountant who died ten minutes before Mrs. Bush when he spontaneously combusted on the number 92 bus on the lower east side. “And damn it if she didn’t find the coke. There’s ALWAYS coke at every party. Nice to know some things will hold true even up here.”

As she snorted cocaine through a straw, a rolled up hundred dollar bill she joked had a picture of her long lost cousin Benji on it, and off the breasts of a 27 year old stripper who had been stabbed by a patron after a work shift because she didn’t want to give him her real name. The party seemed like it was only going to keep going until someone broke the jubilation by asking Barbara why she was behaving this way, and snorting all the cocaine in the after life she could get her hands on. She had seemed so moral and upstanding on Earth, the stranger quipped, so why was she partying so hard now?

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“It was like you could hear a pin drop when that dude asked her what’s up with the coke,” Jack Purdue, a 43 year old husband and father of three who died when he ate too much chili and literally farted himself to death, which is like, totally a real medical thing so don’t try to go get all uppity about it okay, told us via Skype. “But Babs? Man, she had the killer line, and I don’t know if she thought of it off the top of her head or she she always had it planned for that moment, but that old white lady shut it down hard and fast.”

“Where’d you think Dubya got his love the for the yayo, bitches? Read my nose,” Barbara said to the man. She snorted hard and fast, “No new taxes. hahahahahaha! Boo yah! I’m Barbara Bush, let’s party, motherfuckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!”

Eye witnesses say they saw Mrs. Bush having a great time for many hours. Her number in line was then called, and Mrs. Bush went into an office to meet with her time share consultant. Mrs. Bush was last seen headed toward the Mothers of War Criminals wing of a lovely time share overlooking a beautiful, fiery lake.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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