THE AFTERLIFE — Yesterday, former First Lady Barbara Bush passed away at the age of 92.
Mrs. Bush was one of only two women in the history of the United States that have been married to and given birth to a president — Presidents George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush served their terms just a little more than a decade apart, and while her husband’s presidency ended after one term and her son’s ended with the country in a geopolitical and economic free fall, it cannot be denied that her role in both of their lives was extremely important.
Today, George W. reached out to his mom using a phone line to the Afterlife he was given when he was president. All presidents receive access to the hotline, in case they need to ask for advice from fellow former presidents or other notable figures from the past. President Trump regularly uses his Afterlfe line to contact former President Richard M. Nixon, whenever Satan isn’t playing a spirited game of backgammon with him.
Reportedly, the conversation between Mrs. Bush and her son was “overall nice” but there was one very disappointing moment for George W, our sources tells us.
“Mama, we all miss you something fierce,” Mr. Bush was overheard telling his mother. “Daddy’s going to miss you all the rest of his days, but we’re having a nice young nurse come and see him every day, so we think he will find SOMETHING to grab onto.”
Mrs. Bush laughed.
“I miss you all too, son, but I have to say, you’re going to love it,” Barbara said. “The Colombian nose candy up here is just…oh boy, I can’t even tell you. My sinuses are burning, but I haven’t danced this much in ages!”
Dubya told his mom he looks forward to “doing a bump” with her when they are reunited. He then pivoted to another topic. With a little trepidation in his voice, he continued.
“Mom, have you had a chance to poke around much yet,” the younger Bush asked.
Mrs. Bush told her son she’d been given a “very lovely tour” of the facilities, and she’d seen quite a lot of the Afterlife and its different timeshares it offers as permanent resting places for all the souls in the universes. Former President Bush pressed on.
“That’s great, Mom,” Bush said. “So, I don’t suppose while you were poking around up there you happened to find Saddam Hussein’s chemical weapons, did you Mom?”
There was a pause on the other end of the line.
“No, Dubya, I’m sorry to say I haven’t seen any WMD up here either,” Barbara said. “Not that I looked for them specifically. You know what? Hang on, I’ll ask a couple people.”
Mrs. Bush set the phone down. For a few minutes there was no noise on the other end of the line. Then, she returned.
“Son, I asked around and no one up here has seen any WMD,” Barbara told her son. “I even asked Dick Cheney’s soul, because remember it left his body before your first inauguration, and what’s down there is more machine now than human, twisted and evil. His soul hasn’t seen any WMD either.”
The living Bush became forlorn.
“So, I guess we have looked everywhere now. Man, I really thought you’d find them up there, Mom,” Bush said with disappointment in his voice. “But, that’s okay. It’s not like anyone’s even paying attention to what a fuck-up I was anymore thanks to that big orange racism spewing garbage fire in the White House now.”
Mrs. Bush laughed heartily.
“Yeah, and I bet hardly anyone mentions my really gross comments about survivors of Hurricane Katrina and how they were probably better off huddled up like sardines in a football stadium while the storm destroyed their lives,” Barbara said. “It’s good to be dead, because people are so willing to forget your garbage-ness.”
The two agreed they’d see each other one day.