Bannon Tells Trump They’ll Have to ‘Settle for a Nuclear Holocaust’

TRUMP NATIONAL GOLF COURSE, NEW JERSEY — Sources close to the White House are telling media outlets that this morning Steve Bannon told President Donald Trump and a top policy adviser that in light of recent developments with North Korea, they may have to “just settle for a nuclear holocaust instead.”

“Don, Stephen, we need to talk,” Bannon said as he entered the clubhouse at Trump’s golf course in New Jersey. The president has been on a seventeen day vacation, seven months after being sworn-in. Bannon approached Trump at his locker, where senior policy adviser Stephen Miller was cleaning Trump’s golf spikes and rubbing his perineum down with baby powder to prevent presidential chaffing out on the links.

Trump pulled his trousers up, shaking his groin area so the excess powder could fall from his pant legs.

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“What is it, Steve? I’m about to go work real hard for the American people,” Trump said.

There was a moment of silence when all three men just looked at each other. Suddenly, laughter erupted from all of them. Trump began slapping the men he calls his “Two Steves” on their backs.

“Ha ha! Just bigly kidding,” Trump announced, “I’m going to be hauling my fat ass around that course, eating hot dogs by the palm load, and telling racist jokes to the Secret Service guys. But anyway, what’s up?”

Bannon handed Trump and Miller a folder.

“Well, gentlemen,” Bannon began, “After the co-president made his fire and fury remarks about North Korea yesterday, I have news. The good news is that we’re still gonna get to do a holocaust like we talked about.”

Miller and Trump slapped their hands together in a high five.

“But,” Bannon said over Miller’s excited whooping, hollering, and jumping up and down, “I think we gotta settle for a nuclear holocaust, this time around at least.”

A slightly crestfallen Trump raised his diminutive finger in the air.

“Okay, but it’s still a holocaust right? I mean, it’s still going to count,” Trump asked, clearly hoping his friend would reassure him.

Bannon shook his head.

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“Of course, Mr. Co-President,” Bannon said, “I personally don’t think it’s as cool as the other kind of holocaust I was talking to you about, but it’ll work, right Miller?”

Miller nodded, a blank look on his face. A caddie noticed that when Miller straightened his tie in the mirror, all he saw was an empty suit, but not Miller himself. The caddie just shook his head and left the room.

“Well, that will just have to do for now,” Trump said, “Oh, and we should make sure Vlad is cool with us nuking North Korea. He hates it when I do presidenting stuff without him knowing about it first.”

The president finished getting ready and went out onto the course where aides tell us he shot a miraculous 92 under par, and made 42 holes in one.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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