Bannon In Negotiations To Commission Clone Army To Round Up Mexicans And Deport Them

KAMINO, CALIFORNIA — A biotech company in California has reportedly been contacted by Co-President Steve Bannon and asked to begin work on creating an army of cloned humans whose sole purpose would be to “round up Mexicans” for deportation. This news broke just after a leaked draft memo of an order authorizing the National Guard to mobilize in an effort to find and apprehend undocumented people living in the United States. The Trump administration denied the story, but the Associated Press has furnished a copy of the memo they were reporting on.

Palpatine Tech’s spokesman Annie Kindrick told investors at a quarterly meeting this week that Bannon had reached out to her on LinkedIn personally and asked for a sit-down meeting. In that meeting, Kindrick says that Bannon laid out his vision for American domestic immigration policy. That vision includes the creation of a clone army that would be tasked with finding undocumented Mexicans living in the United States and getting them setup for deportation proceedings.

“I told Co-President Bannon that human cloning tech isn’t ready for this kind of thing,” Kindrick said, “to say nothing of the massive human rights violation potential, and the deluge of ethical questions that would ensue from us taking on this kind of project. We will pass, but I thought it was important to let our investors — and the world — know that Co-President Bannon has some, um, unorthodox ideas.”

In addition to concerns about the ethical nature of such a project, many in Congress are wondering about the constitutionality of it.

“I mean, I know we like to talk about these things in terms of illegal immigrants and stuff,” Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert said, “but I’d be really nervous about just outright saying we’re rounding up Mexicans. Nowhere near enough double chicken tenders in that to be subtle enough to pass mustard, you know what I mean jelly bean?”

Democrats were also predictably skeptical of the project.

“It sounds like an expensive, racist, wild goose chase if you ask me,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said, “but then again, as I Democrat I have to wonder if I’ll find the strength I need to really do much about this. After all, I still get lobbyist checks and my regular paycheck whether I actually fight the bullshit from the Republicans or not so…”

Sub-President Trump couldn’t be reached for comment as he was out on the golf course, alternatively presidenting.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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