AZ Audit Finds Two Million Ballots Filled Out in Unicorn Blood

LOS MORONOS, ARIZONA — This morning, Cyber Ninjas announced that their audit of Arizona’s 2020 election has turned up what they described as “irrefutable-ish kinda evidence” that proves conclusively Joe Biden did not win the state legitimately.

“Last night, Billy, our night time janitor, was cleaning up around the warehouse, and he found some boxes of ballots in a corner that we had missed,” Cyber Ninja’s media chief Tim Tamarack told reporters. “Our analysis indicates that all two million of the ballots in those boxes were completed using unicorn blood instead of traditional ink. We have reached out to the Arizona Senate to alert them to these momentous findings.”

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It’s unclear what impact unicorn blood would have on machines counting votes, and Tamarack couldn’t say why his team missed reviewing so many ballots. Instead, he wondered aloud about the implications of the discovery.

“Obviously, it’s hard to tell for sure, but I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that the Democrats hired a team of wizards and witches to help them steal the election,” Tamarack said, “and they used unicorn blood on the ballots they wanted to throw into the mix. That’s the best theory we have so far.”

Former, one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald Trump seized on the news. In a written statement he had to have posted to social media on his behalf, Trump praised Cyber Ninjas for their “undying loyalty” to him. Though he has never won the popular vote in any presidential contest, Trump claimed to be the “clear choice for king among all my subjects,” and accused Biden of “pulling a fast one” on America.

“Obviously, with the discovery of all the unicorn-tainted ballots, there is only one way to settle this,” Trump’s statement claims. “We must de-certify the election results, remove Sleepy from office, shred the Constitution, install a throne in the White House, and immediately execute anyone who tries to claim I’m not the rightful emperor.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) has signaled his support for Trump’s plan.

“Obviously the idea of electing our leaders has run its course, and it’s time for true, red-blooded American patriots to tell everyone else who is president, instead of letting them have a say,” Cruz told reporters this morning as he arrived at the capitol. “While it would have been nice if President Trump had won either the election, or the insurrection, it seems like he’s found an alternative pathway back to the Oval Office, and my ugly wife Heidi and I are committed to seeing that plan come to fruition.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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