WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though his administration is telling Americans that the coronavirus has been “contained” in the United States, President Donald Trump is still hiring trained professional medical experts for the coronavirus response team led by Vice President High Priest Mike Pence. This morning, on his morning walk to Yum Yum Doughnuts, Trump announced the team had picked up two new “bigly smart professionals” who he says will assist Pence in keeping Americans as safe as they can be from a pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus. Thus far, worldwide thousands have been diagnosed and hundreds have died.
“Good morning everyone,” Trump shouted as he left the White House, closing the door behind him and locking the front door. “It’s a beautiful day here in my America, isn’t it? Isn’t MY America so great? Anyhow, I wanted to just quickly announce as I headed out to get my usual morning dozen that we’ve added two brilliant, bigly smart professionals to Mike’s Toyota Corollavirus response team — both doctors. David Avocado Wolfe and Gwyneth Paltrow.”
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The president announced that he had managed to “fast track” Paltrow and Wolfe on their medical school training, and thanks to a special program from Trump University, both were now certified doctors.
“Only in the confederate states, of course,” Trump admitted, “but those are the states that voted for me in 2016 anyway, so really it’s the only states that matter to me, and frankly to the rest of the country.”
Since taking office, The Washington Post has tracked more than 16,000 verifiable lies and mistruths spoken or tweeted by President Trump. Despite this potentially causing millions of Americans to develop severe trust issues with what he or someone in his administration says, the president is adamant that his administration is handling the response to a possible outbreak of the coronavirus well enough to have it contained. However, even during the first couple weeks since cases in the United States started being reported, Trump has been caught giving out misleading or even contradictory information about a potential vaccine or even the availability and employment of coronavirus testing supplies.
“Dr. Avocado Wolfe and Dr. Paltrow will make sure we keep you guys well-aware and informed with all the current misinformation, woo, and pseudoscience,” Trump said, farting loudly as he put his cupped hand into his trousers, pulling it out, and smelling what he’d just pushed out of his rectum. “They’ll make sure if there’s a chemtrail or essential oil treatment that can cure you of this disease, that you know about it. Just this morning, I heard Dr. Avocado Wolfe explaining to my staff that if they rub crystals with pure karma and impeccable chakra voodoo levels all over their bodies, they’ll protect themselves from everything — windmill cancer, Vietnamese bone spurs, and yes, the coronavirus.”
Trump was asked why Ben Carson, a doctor and neurosurgeon, isn’t on the coronavirus response team.
“Because technically Ben’s a doctor, which means he’s a scientist of a kind” Trump answered, “and we all know Pence fundamentally distrusts scientists since the word science isn’t in the Bible. Or if it is, he can’t find it, and he mostly just reads his bible and watches gay porn on Pornhub, you know, for research purposes. Pantless, lubed up research. As one does.”
Avocado Wolfe and Paltrow will begin their service on the coronavirus response team next week.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.