James Schlarmann 
Country That Can’t Afford Universal Health Care Magically Finds $2 Trillion in Cash Lying Around
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning and unforeseen turn of events, the United States ...
New Treasury Dept Report Estimates How Many Points Dow Goes Up For Every Grandparent’s Death
WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week Dan Patrick, the Lt. Governor of Texas, told Fox ...
President Assures Public Fighting Coronavirus Won’t Keep Him From Trying to Suck His Own Dick
WASHINGTON, D.C. — When President Donald Trump took to the podium in the White ...
Doctors Treating Rand Paul’s Coronavirus With Bootstraps, Thoughts, and Prayers
BOWLING GREEN, CUNTUCKY — This weekend, Senator Rand Paul (R-Kremlin) became the first sitting ...
Eric Trump Asks His Dad If They Can Start a Charity For COVID-19 Patients
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — During his weekly “catch up” call with his father, ...
CDC Suggests ‘Electoral Distancing’ From Trump Administration
ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Over the past week and a half, Americans were introduced to ...
Trump Says His Response to Coronavirus Would Have Been Less Incompetent if the Press ‘Wasn’t So Mean’ To Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a recent White House press briefing on his administration’s response ...
Officials Fear Major Canadian Comedian Import Deficit If Northern Border Remains Closed
HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — If the border between the United States and Canada remains closed ...
Big Time Wall Street Asshole Really Lovin’ That Socialism (and Cocaine) Now, Mothafuckas!
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — “You know what,” Will Palumbozo asked our reporter over ...
Devin Nunes Accuses Hillary Clinton of Emailing Coronavirus to World and Then Deleting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Devin Nunes stepped out from underneath the testicular region of ...
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