James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

FDA Warns of Newly Discovered Hydroxychloroquine Side-Effect: Permanent Butthole Mouth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though it’s unclear whether it’s true or not, this week President ...

Fauci Confirms Rand Paul is a ‘Flaming Douchebag With Absolutely Shitty Hair,’ Medically Speaking

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Medically speaking, Senator Rand Paul (R-Ayn Rand’s Overrated, Overwrought Bootyhole) is ...

Fox News Medical Non-Experts Not Sure Americans Should Be Listening to Dr. Fauci Anymore

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Three of Fox News’ least-learned and un-certified medical non-experts ...

Whiny Bitch Throws Toys Out of Crib, Storms Out of Presser

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, Americans witnessed a sight they’d never seen in the 244 ...

Putin Gives Trump Permission to Rehire Michael Flynn

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Depending on whether the federal judge in his criminal case allows ...

Doctors Discover Fatal Rectal Cancer in Department of Justice

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Doctors in the nation’s capital discovered what they’re calling the “most ...