James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
2627 Posts

AOC Reiterates She’ll Never Fuck Anyone Who Writes For the Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- No matter how many attempts at satire they write at her expense, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will not now, nor will she...

Americans Shocked to See Rich Middle-Aged White Conservative Woman Pretend She’s a Victim

It was a shocking scene in the nation's capitol today. Not because it was the site of another deadly insurrection inspired by the Big...

Biden Politely Declines Lindsey Graham’s Offer of Four Years of Public Beejers

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The note President Biden sent to Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) yesterday morning contained a very short message. "Thanks, but no thanks, Lindsey." MORE:...

Gaez Blames Cancel Culture for His Inability to Bring a Woman to Climax Even Once

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- If there is one thing Congressman Matt Gaetz loathes, it's sobriety. Another thing he despises is "cancel culture." Though many conservatives have...

Devin Nunes Starting to Worry His Mouth is Stuck Like That

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For four years many people in Congressman Devin Nunes' life tried to warn him. His friends, both of them, tried to...

Putin Admits He’s Feeling Down About Being a One Term President Installer

MOSCOW, RUSSIA -- He's finally had enough time to process it. He didn't want to believe it at first, but there's just no denying...

Trump Will Just Sit in the Oval Office and Masturbate to Old Apprentice Tapes While Biden is Sworn-In

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Most people didn't have any notion that soon-to-be-former President Donald J. Trump would attend Joe Biden's inauguration tomorrow. What most people...

National Association of A-Holes Kicks Cruz Out Over His Role in Stoking Capitol Riot

CULERO, TEXAS -- The National Association of A-Holes has decided to expel one of its most famous, loyal, and heretofore well-respected board members. In a...

Gaetz: “In America, It’s Three Insurrections and You’re Out, Not One!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For two hours this morning, the House of Representatives debated whether or not President Donald Trump -- who has less than...

Obama Hopes Biden Remembers How to Take Everyone’s Guns, Jobs, and Bibles

UNDISCLOSED SHARIA COMMIE SOCIALIST BUNKER, SOROSLAND -- It's been four long years since Agenda 666 has been implemented, and former President Barack HUSSEIN Obama...

Georgia Runoff Defeats Break Ancient Spell and McConnell’s Dick Turns Back Into Lump of Coal

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It happened with a sort of "cracking" sound, witnesses say. Then, as the crack subsided, a puff of black smoke emitted...

Trump Already Broke New Year’s Resolution to Not Be a Fucking Moron

His friends and family, and even close political advisers, all warned him against doing it. He was told how risky it was, and how...

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