James Schlarmann

Missouri Bans Literacy, Only 40% of Missourians Can Read The News About It

This week, Missouri Republicans found a new battleground to wage a culture war on -- reading. First, the state's GOP delegation passed a bill that would defund all public libraries in the state. Social conservatives have been especially concerned lately...

NPR and PBS Agree to Return to Twitter If Tesla and SpaceX Give Up Government Handouts

Citing Elon Musk's decision to direct Twitter engineers to label their organizations as "government-funded media," both PBS and NPR have decided to abandon the microblogging social media site this week. Public reporting shows that federal funds only account for...

DeSantis Bans “Fast and Furious” Movies in Florida

"...when he found out that the Fast and Furious movies are literally about a bunch of men doing drag, he sprung into action." Governor Ron DeSantis signed an official order today that bans the showing of any movie from the "Fast and...

Clarence Thomas Found a Pubic Hair on Harlan Crow’s Nazi Linens

"...we all heard just absolutely ear shattering laughter coming from the room where Mr. Crow keeps all his Nazi swag." According to several sources close to the situation, something rather remarkable happened during the last visit Supreme Court Justice Clarence...

Disney World Offering Free Bud Light to Every Transgender Guest This Summer

Transgender guests of Walt Disney World can receive a rather special perk this summer, according to sources within the company. In leaked records provided to us, it appears that Disney executives are about to green light a special promotion...

Appeals Court: If Ted Cruz is Fertile, the Abortion Pill Should Be Legal

Last week, a federal judge invalidated the FDA's approval of mifepristone, a so-called "abortion pill." Though it has been on the market for years, and is considered by the medical community to be a safe drug, the judge in...

Twitter Releases New Feature That Lets You Smell Trump’s Dick on Jim Jordan’s Tweets

In recent weeks, billionaire meme stealing shitposter Elon Musk says that Twitter has lost more than half its value since he bought it for over $40 billion earlier this year. While some may wonder if it's a result of...

Anheuser-Busch Selling $400 Special Edition Boycott Cases of Bud Light for Target Practice

Gun owning super-patriot religious inquisitors looking to take their transphobic and homophobic rage out on an inanimate object are in luck, thanks to a new product being released by Anheuser-Busch this week. For $400, American beer consumers can purchase the...

3 Ways to Tell Which Democrats to Expel From Congress for Protesting Gun Violence

Are you a member of a state legislature? Is your state a red state? Do you find yourself in the position to throw three members of the opposite party out of the legislature because they helped their constituents peacefully...

Trump Boys Ask Lawyers if Daddy Can Just Be “Out-dicted”

Sources close to the situation have reported to various media outlets that former President Donald Trump's sons are furiously and frantically attempting to find any loophole they can that would rescue their father from the legal peril he is...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How did this end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have never, and never will apply...
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