James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
2584 Posts

Half of Republicans Think Trump Won Re-election and Santa Claus Will Deliver the Evidence Christmas Eve

A new poll published by Reuters today shows that half of Republicans -- roughly 25-30% of the electorate -- believes that Donald Trump won...

Palpatine Demands Death Star Recount, Claims Empire Won the Battle of Yavin

CORUSCANT -- Emperor Palpatine refuses to concede the Battle of Yavin the Rebel Alliance. Despite visual evidence that his highly-touted Death Star was blown...

Lying Fuck Reminds America The Constitution Says He’s Not Done Lying To Them Until January 21st, 2021

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Almost two weeks ago, an unctuous, fatuous, impetuous, deluded lying fuck ran for reelection to the highest, most powerful office in...

Biden Supports Recounts So ‘Americans Can Watch Trump Lose As Many Times As He Wants’

WINURZ, DELAWARE -- This morning, President-Elect Joe Biden was spotted taking a stroll with his German Shepherd, Major, at a coffee shop just a...

This Big Ol’ Impeached Pile of Whiny Bitch Couldn’t Even Win the Popular Vote Once In Two Tries!

Let's play a little guessing game! Can you guess, from the hints we give you below, who this person is? HINT #1: He is the...

RNC Quietly Removes “Supporting American Democracy” from Party Platform

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Republican National Committee has taken down the phrase "Supporting American Democracy" from their party's platform, published on their website. It's...

The Actual Jesus Christ Wrote This Letter to Kayleigh McEnany and Asked Us to Publish It For Him

The following was received by this outlet late last night. After contacting the offices of Holy Trinity, Inc. and confirming its provenance, we have...

Trump Supporter Prepared to Worry About Deficit, Debts, Corrupt Presidents Again

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- If Donald Trump loses his reelection bid, right-wing podcaster and YouTube star Jethro Bohiggins says he's "bigly prepared to...

75 Million Americans Wipe and Flush

It took a few days. It took counting millions of mail-in ballots under the pressure of a sea of angry, ignorant masses demanding they...

74 Year Old Toddler Claims Victory Without Actually Winning

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Last night, before the entire nation, a 74 year old toddler claimed victory. However, as facts bear out, he didn't actually...

Moscow Joins Trump Lawsuit Seeking to End Vote Counting in Pennsylvania

MOSCOW, RUSSIA, -- President Vladimir Putin has authorized the Kremlin to file amicus briefs in lawsuit filed by the Trump campaign. The suit is...

Palpatine Declares Himself Chancellor With Millions of Votes Left to Count From Outer Rim

CORUSCANT -- Naboo Senator Sheev Palpatine has declared himself the winner of the Republic's election, and says he is now the rightful Chancellor of...

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