James Schlarmann

Stephen Miller Encourages Trump Supporters to Boycott ‘Reverse Racist’ Black Friday

This week, millions of Americans will celebrate Thanksgiving. Some will embrace a traditional, more whitewashed version of the very first Thanksgiving, and others will keep the holiday while remembering that natives and pilgrims didn't share a turkey and cranberry...

Biologists Confirm: Ted Cruz is a Sentient Crotch Cyst

In an unforeseen turn of events, sources say that top Republican brass are weighing their options, and feverishly researching reams of legal documents, and even the Constitution, hoping to find some way to keep one of their most infamous...

House Janitorial Staff Still Cleaning Up Verbal Diarrhea From Boebert’s Defense of Gosar

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a free society, one that values and encourages freedom of speech, there can be unintended consequences. This morning janitorial crews working for the House of Representatives are learning that lesson, and dealing with unintended consequences...

Data Indicates Brandon Gets Shit Done and Trump Didn’t Do Shit

Newly released data from the National Institute of Looking Into This Sorta Thing doesn't have much good news for a certain twice-forever impeached president who never won the popular vote and only got one term. According to a report published...

Judge Says Bannon May Have Conjugal Visits With Both MTG and Dan Bongino

WASHINGTON, D.C -- A federal judge has granted permission to indicted former White House senior policy adviser Stephen Bannon to have conjugal visits while he awaits trial. Mr. Bannon appeared in court to surrender himself, after being indicted by...

Trump Announces Next MAGA Rally Will Be Held in Rittenhouse Courtroom

FARTS-A-LAGO, FLORIDA -- Former, one term, twice-forever-impeached President Donald Trump announced plans to hold another MAGA rally, and the venue might not be all that surprising to anyone. "I hereby decree as your once King and Ruler, that I shall...

McEnany: She’ll Put Jan 6 Subpoena on the Mantle Next to Her Autographed Pic of Trump’s Dong

The subpoena she receives from the January 6th select congressional committee will be given a place of "distinction and honor," according to former White House Press Secretary and vapid blonde fuckmuppet Kayleigh McEnany. On Fox News this morning, McEnany acknowledged...

Inspired by Cruz, Next Episode of “Sesame Street” Will Be Brought to You By the Letters “C-U-N-T”

Right from its inception, the educational television show "Sesame Street" has sought to inform and teach young kids about the world around them, as well as to instruct them in basic literacy. In the 1970's, the show helped a...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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Gaetz’ Girlfriend Skipped Driver’s Ed Class to Testify Before Grand Jury

This week, a former girlfriend of Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) testified before a grand jury. Several legal experts have...
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