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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he's deserved his entire life." Life is funny sometimes. If you had asked me a few years ago, hell, even a few days back, if I thought...
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MAGA News

Trump Asks Ivanka To Be ‘Fill-in Melanie’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Trump reached out his First Lady today and asked her...
Tech

Man Not Convinced He Made Right Smartphone Purchase Until He Sends First Unbidden Digital Penile Image With It

LAKE TALLAWAKUR, FLORIDA -- Though he says at this point he's "about 85 to...
Science & Medicine

Astronaut Admits He Faked Moon Orgasm

WINDY FALLS, MINNESOTA -- For years, Commander Glenn Mitchum has dined out on the...
Business

Ted Cruz Wants NASA to Turn Old Shuttles into Chick-Fil-As

This story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute. WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX)...
MAGA News

Town Trump Supporter Plans Switch From Keystone Light To Ambien For A Better Night’s Racism

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- When Jehtro Bohiggins logged onto Twitter early one morning...
Sports

Confused White Guy Agrees With New NFL National Anthem Policy (VIDEO)

Everyone's favorite Confused White Guy took to the Internet this past week and uploaded...
MAGA News

Trump Pardons John Wilkes Booth

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Just hours after announcing he was going to be issuing a...
Science & Medicine

Town Racist Blames Ambien Script Running Out For Brief Bout Of Tolerance

BEDFORD FOREST, WEST VIRGINIA -- Ed Foy would never, ever have done it if...
History

Historians Uncover Robert E. Lee’s Ambien Prescription

ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA -- Historians cleaning out an upstairs hall closet at the former residence...
Lifestyle

Man Wouldn’t Be An Incel If You Ladies Would Stop Being Such Bitches And Do It With Him After You Clean His Apartment

HAMBONE, IOWA -- John Sisrovich is a frustrated, lonely man, and he is a...
Lifestyle

Man Wouldn’t Be An Incel If You Ladies Would Stop Being Such B**ches And Do It With Him After You Clean His Apartment

HAMBONE, IOWA -- John Sisrovich is a frustrated, lonely man, and he is a...
LGTBQ+

Study Confirms Mike Pence Thinks About LGTBQ Stuff More Than People Participating In LGTBQ Stuff

BONTÉ FALLS, WEST VIRGINIA -- Researchers in West Virginia recently published the results of a...
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...
Criminal Justice

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)