James Schlarmann

Former Cellmate to Auction George Zimmerman’s Prison Dildo

DYLAN, FLORIDA -- Though he's a free man now, for several months George Zimmerman was in jail while he stood trial for killing Trayvon Martin. One of the men who spent time in the same cell as Zimmerman will...

Trump: It’s ‘Treasonous’ That Andrew McCabe and Others Put Country Ahead of Loyalty to Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- An explosive new "60 Minutes" interview and a new book from former FBI Director Andrew McCabe is lighting the Hill on fire, and it has President Trump very angry. During the interview, McCabe confirms that he opened...

Trump Tells the Space Force to Build a Space Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- During a radio interview on WKKK-FM, Donald Trump Jr. accidentally let slip that his father, President Donald Trump, is in the process of directing his newly minted Space Force to begin construction a great space wall. “Diddums...

Charlie Kirk and Ben Shapiro Locked in Bitter Custody Battle Over Shared Brain Cell

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Today, papers were filed in New York district court to determine who will have custody of a single brain cell -- right-wing commentator Charlie Kirk, or miniature right-wing commentator Ben Shapiro. Kirk is the spokesman...

Putin Confirms Senate Intel Committee ‘Won’t Ever Find the Direct Evidence’ of Collusion With Trump Campaign

MOSCOW, RUSSIA -- This week, Senator Richard Burr of the Senate Intelligence Committee announced that the investigation that committee has conducted into the 2016 presidential election has found no "direct evidence" of collusion between the Trump campaign and the...

Trump Says He Saw ‘Hundreds of Thousands’ of White Hoods at El Paso Rally

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Despite local El Paso fire department officials denying his claim, President Donald Trump is still insisting that his rally last night in El Paso had more people at it than the one being held just a...

On Lincoln’s 210th Birthday Trump Puts Jefferson Davis on Flip Side of Penny

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today marks Abraham Lincoln's 210th birthday, and President Donald Trump wasted no time in marking the occasion in his own unique, Trumpian way. "Of course, everyone knows that as a Republican, I am a direct descendant of...

MAGA Boy Pretty Sure He Can Insult His Way into AOC’s Stupid Commie Pants

RICCI RIVER, NEW JERSEY -- If there's one thing that 35 year old right-wing writer Bill Wickidildaugh knows it's that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a dangerous socialist who was indoctrinated by her higher-education into being an ignorant moron communist...

Liam Neeson On Shortlist for Trump’s Chief of Staff

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Chief of Staff position in the Trump administration has already seen three different men hold the title. First, Reince Priebus left his position as chair of the Republican National Committee to help President Trump in the...

Trump Promises Mexico Will Pay for His Executive Time

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Days ago, Axios reported that President Donald Trump spends the majority of his public schedule in what is referred to as "executive time."  The schedules, which cover nearly every working day since the midterms, show that Trump has spent...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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Smithsonian Apologizes for Escaped Horse Faced Cave Troll’s Disruptions During State of the Union

Last night, one of the Smithsonian's displays came alive and escaped the confines of the museum. Reportedly, the horse...
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