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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he's deserved his entire life." Life is funny sometimes. If you had asked me a few years ago, hell, even a few days back, if I thought...
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MAGA News

Trump Irate There Was No “Mission Accomplished” Banner On The White House When He Got Back From Singapore

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sources within the White House are saying that President Donald Trump...
Science & Medicine

He Smoked Three Marijuana Cigarettes And STILL Couldn’t Shake The Feeling Life Is A Meaningless Series Of Tragedies Until You Die

SAND CASTLE SHORES, IDAHO -- Terry Bonner lives in a state that has yet...
MAGA News

Un, Trump Dispute Who Legitimized Whom’s Fascist, Authoritarian Kakistocracy

AIR FORCE ONE -- The earliest reports of the historic summit between President Donald...
Science & Medicine

President Trump Pledges To Convert Entire Capital To Renewable White Power

SINGAPORE -- Hours before meeting for a historic summit between himself and North Korean...
MAGA News

Trump, Un Set ‘Hard And Fast’ Self-Fellatio Time Limit Ahead of Summit

SINGAPORE -- Representatives from President Donald Trump and North Korea's dictator Kim Jong Un...
MAGA News

Trump Outraged Triple Crown Winner Justify Didn’t Have Hoof Over Heart During National Anthem

AIR FORCE ONE -- History was made this weekend when Justify became just the...
Criminal Justice

Mike Pence Pretty Sure He Could Kill His Boss And Then Pardon Himself For It

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Speaking before a prayer breakfast gathering in the nation's capital this...
Science & Medicine

Martian Cat Kills Curiosity

MARS -- The chief tracking officer at NASA is confirming at the time of...
MAGA News

Leading Graduating Kindergartners, Trump Briefly Forgets Words to Pledge of Allegiance

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning, President Donald Trump experienced a brief moment of confusion...
Lifestyle

Justin Trudeau Shocks World; Apologizes For Mass Canadian Ambien Usage In 1812

FRENCH TOWN, CANADA LAND -- When President Donald Trump asked Canadian Prime Minister Justin...
Lifestyle

The 15 Cute Nicknames My Wife Insists I Use For Her P_ _sy

I have a wife, and we are both forward thinking, progressive individuals. Not only did...
Lifestyle

The 15 Cute Nicknames My Wife Insists I Use For Her Pussy

I have a wife, and we are both forward thinking, progressive individuals. Not only did...
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...
Criminal Justice

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)