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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
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MAGA News

Trump Asks Ivanka If She’s ‘Into Bigfoot or Hopefully Small Hand’ Erotica

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In Virginia, a man named Denver Riggleman is running for Congress,...
Religion

Satanic Goat Sacrifice and Skunk Fucking Cult Says Religious Liberty Task Force Allows Them To Discriminate Against Christians

LA ORINA DA SATANÁS, ARIZONA -- Seth Lindstrom, The High Chieftain of The Temple...
MAGA News

Lt. Commander Jesus Herbert Christ Reports For Duty On First Day on Trump’s Religious Freedom Space Task Force

CAPE CANVERAL, FLORIDA -- Lieutenant Commander Jesus Hubert Christ has officially checked in for his...
Food and Dining

Man Fucking A Guacamole Bacon Cheeseburger Pretty Sure It Wasn’t Supposed To End Like This

LAKE SAUCISSE AU FROMAGE, WISCONSIN -- It wasn't supposed to go down like this, Todd...
Criminal Justice

Giluliani Defends OJ: ‘I’m Not Even Sure Repeatedly Showing Someone the Edge Of Your Knife In Their Throat Is A Crime’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Stating that he "might as well" because he was...
Criminal Justice

Gleeful Giluliani Tells Reporters He’s Enjoying ‘Really 9/11-ing Up’ Trump’s Case

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- This weekend Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City...
Conservative Media

Kimberly Guilfoyle: “Fox News Prepared Me Perfectly To Be Surrounded By Dicks No One Wants To See”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Kim Guilfoyle used to be one of Fox News'...
Business

President Says He’s ‘Never Even Heard Of’ Trump Tower

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a perhaps foreseen but surprising move nevertheless, President Trump has...
U.S. Politics

David Dennison Issues Statement: Donald Trump Never Told Him About Don Jr’s Trump Tower Russian Rendezvous

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Alleged billionaire businessman and former Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal lover...
MAGA News

Trump: “Oh Do Excuse Me, I’ve Been Meaning To Say ‘Yes Collusion!'”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a sudden about-face from months of public denials, President Donald...
MAGA News

POLL: Trump Approval 89% Among People Who Still Use Telegraphs

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The subject of President Donald Trump's approval ratings has been a...
U.S. Politics

Poll: Austin Clay, The Trump Hollywood Star Vandal, New 2020 Frontrunner

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA -- Austin Clay, 24 years old and a resident of Los Angeles...
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Latest articles

Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)