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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
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MAGA News

Rudy Giuliani Tells Radio Host ‘There Was Nothing Wrong With a Man Taking His Second Cousin as His First Wife’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- President Donald Trump's lawyer, former New York City Mayor...
MAGA News

Trump Says He Cannot Be Impeached for ‘Attempted Crimes’ Like ‘Conspiracy, Obstruction, or Murder’

MAR-A-LAGO -- As Air Force Individual-1 readied to take off from Florida for the...
World News

Betsy DeVos Devastated by ‘All the French Neutered Danes’ in Denmark

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, President Donald Trump ordered that Education Secretary Betsy DeVos be...
Criminal Justice

6 Inanimate Objects Smart Enough to Know They’re Breaking the Law and 1 Donald Trump Jr.

Yesterday, the world got its first taste of the long-awaited Mueller Report. While legal...
MAGA News

Mueller Report Documents Huckabee Sanders’ Daily Diet: A Trough Full of Bullshit

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As Americans continue to read and digest the contents of the...
Criminal Justice

Trump Supporter Outraged Mueller Report Doesn’t Mention Benghazi Even Once

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Right-wing podcaster and YouTube star Jethro Bohiggins has "mixed...
MAGA News

Barr: “It Was Impossible for Me to Judge if Trump Obstructed Justice With His Dick Obstructing My Wind Pipe”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It's been quite a day for Attorney General William Barr. To start...
World News

French Authorities Find Charred Bible Signed by Trump in Notre Dame Cathedral

VILLE OÙ LES FEMMES DANSENT NUES, FRANCE, FRANCE -- Firefighters battling the blaze that...
Criminal Justice

AG Barr: “The President Can Murder Ten People If He’s Feeling Stressed Out Enough”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though the Mueller Report is still, at the time of publication,...
MAGA News

Trump Outraged Barr Forgot to Redact His Family’s Secret Snake Oil Recipe from Mueller Report

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump is reportedly in a state of anger and...
Economy

GUEST EDITORIAL: I’m a Billionaire Writing a $15 Million Check to Restore Notre Dame. Here’s Why the Social Saftey Net is Unaffordable.

Editor's Note: The following is an editorial written by Calvary University Dean of Economics...
MAGA News

Trump Wanted to Drop Detained Immigrants at Local Taco Bells and Del Tacos

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Trump has faced stiff backlash from Democratic lawmakers and various...
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)