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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he's deserved his entire life." Life is funny sometimes. If you had asked me a few years ago, hell, even a few days back, if I thought...
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Immigration

Pro-Trump Televangelist: “Jesus Loves the Little Children in Cages a Little Less”

HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA -- A televangelist Trump supporter told his congregation today that he's...
MAGA News

Government Engineers Install All-Seeing Eye On Top Of Trump Tower

WASHINGTON, D.C.  -- President Donald Trump ordered the Army Corps of Engineers to install...
MAGA News

Obama Still Secretly Questions Trump’s Human Birth Certificate

A BUNKER DEEP BELOW SOROS-NET, INC. -- Secretly recorded meetings between former President Barack...
Science & Medicine

Trump Offers to ‘Turn Off’ California Earthquakes In Exchange for 2020 Electoral College Votes

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump sent a letter to California Governor Gavin Newsom...
Business

Local MAGA Supporter In Hospital With Burns on Feet After Nike Protest Goes Awry

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Right-wing podcaster and country music singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins is...
Food and Dining

Celebrity Chef E. Schrödinger’s New Restaurant Is Now Open..Or Is It?

RIO DE LOS GATOS, CALIFORNIA -- World renowned Austrian Chef E. Schrödinger's new restaurant...
Conservative Media

Tomi Lahren: “Everyone Knows Mermaids Are White, Just Like Santa and Jesus!”

LA CULERA RUBIA ARRUGADA, CALIFORNIA -- Fox News contributing racist muppet Timothy Lahren railed...
Tech

Fortnite Promises New Patch Won’t Take Away Game’s Key Feature of Turning Your Tween Into an Angry Maniac

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- The designers behind the battle royale smash hit video...
Science & Medicine

Pat Robertson Says California Earthquake Was God Clapping for Trump’s 4th of July Parade

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- Though he didn't give his Independence Day speech until hours...
History

George Washington Ended a Terror Attack With a Solo Flight in His Stealth Bomber

For this week's installment of Unreal History, we present the story of when George...
Lifestyle

Tennessee Man Can’t Figure Out Why Black Friends Don’t Like His Confederate Flag Display

One man in Tennessee just can't figure out why his black friends wouldn't be stoked on his Confederate Flag display.
MAGA News

Trump Blames 4th of July Rain on ‘Bob Mueller’s Team of Angry Democrats’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Yesterday, President Donald Trump got his wish and the nation's capital...
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...
Criminal Justice

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)