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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
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MAGA News

Trump Hires Goon to Steal Greenland From Denmark and Hide It In the Alamo Basement

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump, having been rebuffed on multiple occasions by Denmark...
MAGA News

Senator Lindsey Graham Demonstrates How Much He’s Willing to Suck Up to Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Whatever happened between the 2016 presidential primary season and today, the...
MAGA News

Emergency Crews Working To Remove Jeff Sessions From Package of E.L. Fudge Cookies

When an accident occurred at the Keebler cookie company, Attorney Jeff Sessions needed some quick rescuing.
Food and Dining

Trump Calls Domino’s Pizza “The Enemy of the People” for Forgetting His Hot Wing Dipping Sauce

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The list of people, businesses, and government officials who President Donald...
Food and Dining

Trump Hereby Orders Burger King to Always Give Him Extra Ketchup Packets

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, President Trump broke yet new rhetorical ground in his presidency....
Conservative Media

Intellectual Titan Joe Rogan Shows America How Fun Nazis Can Be When They’re High As Fuck

ANABOLIC VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- In 2014, former reality-TV host and alleged comedian Joe Rogan...
U.S. Politics

Trump: “David Koch Would Have Never Died If He’d Donated to My Campaign”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Speaking to reporters from the lawn of the White House, Marine...
Business

David Koch’s Estate Sale to Include Several Republican Politicians

GALT, KANSAS -- Billionaire industrialist and Republican mega-donor David Koch passed away after a...
Conservative Media

For Some Reason, Sarah Huckabee Sanders Pretty Confident She Can Lie for Donald Trump on Fox News

PIG SLOP CROTCH, ARKANSAS -- Sarah Huckabee Sanders is going to be a Fox...
MAGA News

Trump Issues Executive Order for Bible Publishers to Delete Commandment Forbidding False Idols

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This week, during an impromptu press conference and rant session, President...
Religion

God Clarifies Trump is the ‘Chosen One to Warn Others Not to Become Fat, Slovenly, Racist Morons’

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Today, in what would be bizarre moment in literally...
MAGA News

Denmark Says Greenland Will Be For Sale When Donald Trump Jr. Can Spell It

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Citing the fact that it was a day that ended in...
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Latest articles

Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)