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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
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Arts & Entertainment

NBC To Put Trump Trigger Warning Before Every Episode Of Saturday Night Live

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Since becoming President, Donald Trump has tweeted his displeasure...
MAGA News

Tennessee Man Sues El Pollo Loco To Change Name to “Crazy Chicken”

One man in Tennessee is fighting against immigration reform in a most unusual way.
Religion

Pat Robertson: “If The Florida and Puerto Rico Gays Stop Having the Sex With Each Other, We Might Stop Hurricane Dorian!”

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- Televangelist Pat Robertson told his telecongregation this morning that he...
Science & Medicine

Hurricane Dorian Makes Preemptive Strike Against U.S. Nuclear Arsenal

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At the time of publication, the Pentagon is confirming that the...
MAGA News

Trump Says Next G-7 Should Be Held in Russian Bathhouse

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Last week, President Trump took part in the G-7 summit. The...
MAGA News

Bush Says Trump Should Know How to Pronounce ‘Nookular Weapons’ Before He Uses Them on Hurricanes

CABEZA MIERDA, TEXAS -- Former President George W. Bush left the public spotlight in...
Science & Medicine

NASA Still Unable To Locate Edge Of Trump’s Stupidity

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Scientists at NASA have yet to locate the edge of Donald...
U.S. Politics

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg: “Cancer Can’t Make Me Resign Until It Leaves The Oval Office First”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg underwent three weeks of medical...
MAGA News

Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos Convince White House to Rush Thousands of Rakes to Amazon Headquarters

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The White House has issued an order to the United States...
MAGA News

Trump: “I Didn’t Consider Nuking Hurricanes Because Everyone Knows You Nuke Tornadoes”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This past weekend, Axios published a story that suggested President Donald Trump has...
Immigration

Man Chanting ‘Send Her Back’ Can’t Locate His Home State on a Map

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Last night, right-wing podcaster, commentator, and singer/writer Jethro Bohiggins...
World News

Mexican Government Releases Detailed Audit of How Much They’ve Paid for Trump’s Wall So Far

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO -- The federal government of Mexico has published an extremely detailed...
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)