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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However, now that I'm going to be bogged down with extra paperwork if I do, I can say pretty unequivocally we likely won't be rolling through the state any time soon." You...
Criminal Justice

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I hadn't seen in the previous six thousand times I've looked at them." To this very moment, I'm really not sure why she called me, of all people. We're not friends; we're...
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MAGA News

White House Releases New Official Presidential Portrait

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The White House officially released a new presidential photographic portrait today....
The Democrats

Pelosi Stunned and Beside Herself at Sight of Legislators Stopping a Moron For the Good of the Country

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) is reportedly still recovering...
Business

Trump Hereby Orders WalMart to Handout Free Guns to White Rural Voters

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump is not done ordering around American companies. Recently,...
Pew Pew!

Second Amendment Enthusiast Can’t Wait to Try Out His Penis Pump Action Shotgun

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Right-wing podcaster, YouTube star, and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins has,...
Pew Pew!

WalMart Assures Americans They Can Still Make Love To Their Guns In Store Parking Lots

BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS -- This week, WalMart's CEO shocked America when it announced it was...
Pew Pew!

Ted Cruz Offers to Lube Up and F_ _k a Gun to Show How Safe They Are

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- So far in 2019, CBS News reports that there have been...
MAGA News

Trump Claims He Never Would’ve Said Dorian Would Hit Alabama If He Knew Where Alabama Was

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- An irate President Trump shouted at reporters on the front lawn...
Pew Pew!

Pro-Gun Right-Wing Pundit: 284 Mass Shootings in 244 Days ‘Too Soon’ to Talk About Gun Control

EMPTY HOLLOW, CONNECTICUT -- This weekend, CBS News reported that by September 1st --...
Food and Dining

White Woman Already Sh***ing Pure Pumpkin Spice

The calendar has just barely turned over into September, but 35 year old Katherine...
Pew Pew!

Jesus Christ Reminds Americans Thoughts and Prayers Aren’t Made of Kevlar

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This morning, the Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity Inc....
Pew Pew!

FBI Report Shows U.S. Needs Just 400 Trillion More Thoughts and Prayers to Reduce Gun Violence

"Platitudes are probably a way better idea at this point."
Conservative Media

Tucker Carlson’s Dry Cleaner Won’t Return White Sheets Without Claim Ticket

REICH LAKE, CALIFORNIA -- Fox News host Tucker Carlson is reportedly still fuming mad...
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Latest articles

Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...
Criminal Justice

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...
Lifestyle

Because of DEI, My Black Friends Don’t Like My Confederate Flag Collection No More

The following editorial was written by right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Q. Bohiggins. The...
MAGA News

The Easter Bunny Plans to Give Plan-B and Contraceptives to Red State Teenagers

"Did you know there have already been thousands of rape pregnancies as a result...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)