James Schlarmann

Russian State Media Hires New Ukraine War Correspondent

Today, the Kremlin announced that Russia's state media has hired a new Ukraine War correspondent, and according to the press release, it all came together over a matter of days. A portion of the press release follows. "It is with...

Why Is Stephen Miller’s Mother’s Vagina Replacing Tucker Carlson at Fox News?

"We just figured one racist cunt could replace another and our audience would be none the wiser for it." - Anonymous Fox News Source The world of conservative media was rocked this morning when Fox News announced that it had...

Twitter Makes It Easier to Identify Verified Suckers and Fascists

Since taking over as Twitter's owner and Chief Executive Officer, billionaire hair plug recipient and alt-right activist troll Elon Musk has made several changes. Though it's unclear from public reporting if it was his intention, Musk's decisions while at...

Surprised Doctors Pronounce Lauren Boebert Not Brain Dead

A visibly surprised team of doctors at Colorado State Hospital made an announcement this morning that their team leader said he "couldn't believe" they were making. We had a reporter on the scene who brought us the details of...

Alabama GOP Wants Separate Drinking Fountains for Transgender People

This morning, on a party line vote, an Alabama state legislative committee approved a bill that if passed and signed into law would set aside millions of dollars to install additional drinking fountains throughout the state. The new fountains...

As Part of Dominion Settlement, Tucker and Hannity Must Share Custody of Trump’s Taint

"They already fought over who had more access to his balls and shaft, so a lot of us don't understand how, even with joint custody, the two won't end up at each other's throats over who gets to shallow...

McCarthy: Poor People Should at Least Pretend to Work Like He Does For His Six Figure Salary

"Speaker McCarthy is just getting a little sick and tired of all the Poorsy McGees out there putting their hands out instead of putting their signatures on job applications." - Speaker McCarthy's Office Alleged Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy...

Disney Building Drag Bar Next to Florida Governor’s Mansion

Another salvo has been fired in the war between Florida's biggest single site employer and its governor, Republican Generalissimo Ronald DeSantis. This time, the shot came from The Walt Disney Company toward DeSantis, after the governor announced this week...

Texas Passes Law That Requires KISS and G.W.A.R. to Play Without Makeup

Musical acts touring the Lone Star State may have to alter their stage show, thanks to a new law signed by Texas Governor Greg Abbott today. Citing specific bands like KISS and G.W.A.R., Abbott signed a law that expressly...

DeSantis Signs Law Giving Parental Rights to Rapists Six Weeks After Rape

"Obviously, Ron DeSantis is a friend to Florida's rapists..."  - Chad Beefington, Rapists Rights Activist. Ever since he won re-election, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has had a gloves-off approach to social policies in the Sunshine State. In recent months, the conservative...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How did this end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have never, and never will apply...
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