James Schlarmann

Meadows Said National Guard Would ‘Protect Pro-Toothless Incestuous Racism People’ on Jan. 6

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Texts and emails turned over to the January 6th Congressional Committee by former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows indicate that he made certain assurances to people within his former boss's administration before an attempted...

White House Tells Paul They’ll Send KY the Bootstraps He Wanted to Send After Hurricane Maria

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Soon, thousands of bootstraps will be delivered to local emergency response teams in Kentucky. According to White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki, President Joe Biden met this morning with Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY), who represents the Coal...

Man Can’t Find Clitoris or Woman to Debate Gender Wage Gap With Him

CELIBATE HILLS, NEW JERSEY -- 28 year old Matthew J. Palumbo is what many people in his hometown describe as a "loser," a "conspiracy theory peddling fascist," a "white nationalist douchebag," and an "incel." Mr. Palumbo told us in...

Jesus Christ Doesn’t ‘Have Any Fucks to Give’ About the Fox News Christmas Tree

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This week, Conservative America has been highly focused on what is being described in certain circles as the most egregious attacks in the left's long-running war on Christmas in quite some time, if not...

Mark Meadows Signals Intent to Plead the Filth Before January 6th Committee

Former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, through his attorney, has made the House Select Committee investigating the events of January 6th, 2021 aware that he will no longer be cooperating with them. Instead, Meadows' attorney told reporters, he...

Devin Nunes Retiring from Congress to Spend More Time With Trump’s Balls

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congressfuck Devin Nunes announced yesterday that he will not seek re-election next year. Many speculated that Nunes was motivated by California's independent congressional redistricting commission's new map that should make his own district lean Democratic. However, this...

Fauci Warns MAGAs: You Can Get Omicron from Cousin Despite Taking Ivermectin or Wearing Condom

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Appearing before the Senate Oversight and Pumpkin Pie Recipe Committee this morning, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Americans to "take caution" in preparing for their holiday gatherings and reunions. Fauci had ominous words for those living in...

Sexual Predator Poised to Give Rapists More Parental Rights

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, one of America's most famous and successful sexual predators, finds himself in quite a unique position. Should he decide to do so, Kavanaugh can help the other five conservative justices on...

Justice Barrett Will Let Her Husband Decide Her Vote on Mississippi Abortion Law

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It's unclear whether it was her intention to do so, but Supreme Court Justice Amy Covid Barrett just gave the American public an unprecedented preview of how she intends to decide the case of Mississippi's abortion...

Ted Cruz Says He’ll Stand Under the Mistletoe With Trump If Ivanka Won’t

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- During a weekly press conference held by Senate Republicans, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) was asked for his thoughts on whether former, one term, twice permanently impeached President Don Trump should run for his party's nomination again...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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Gaetz’ Girlfriend Skipped Driver’s Ed Class to Testify Before Grand Jury

This week, a former girlfriend of Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) testified before a grand jury. Several legal experts have...
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