James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
2584 Posts

Matt Gaetz Accused of Using Taxpayer Money to Build Bars in His Living Room, Dining Room, Bedroom, Bathroom, and Garage

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This week, Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) admitted that he improperly used taxpayer dollars to pay for things like a television studio...

Trump Announces Start of “Operation Legendary Fascist Show of Force Against People of Color”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donaldito Trumpolini gave an address to His nation from the White Power House today, announcing alongside Gestapo Generalisimo Guillermo Barr...

Trump: “Some Very Fine People Pimped Out Little Girls for Jeffrey Epstein and His Friends!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Once again today, the President of the United States of America seemed to offer at least a tacit, passive defense of...

Trump Blames Antifa for His Small Hands, Mangled Dick, and Obsession with Superior Black Man

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It's not a very well-kept secret that President Donald Trump wants Americans to fear AntiFa, though privately he's admitted to aides...

Tomi Lahren Is Publishing a List of Acceptable Ways for Black People to Protest Being Murdered

BROKE WIND MOUNTAIN, CALIFORNIA -- From a secluded cabin in the mountains of Southern California, right-wing firebrand commentator and Fox News contributing racist Tammy...

Emperor Palpatine Defends Attorney General Vader’s Use of Stormtroopers in Portland

CORUSCANT -- As protests mount throughout the galaxy, Emperor Sheev Palpatine has maintained a public tone of righteousness and self-assurance. The protests have begun...

Paramount Alleges Trademark Infringement Against Space Force

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- Paramount Studios has filed a lawsuit against the Space Force, alleging that their logo is a "blatant and comically obvious, lazy...

Robertson: “If Jesus Died For Your Sins, The Least You Can Do Is Die For Trump’s Economy!”

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- Televangelist Pat Robertson hasn't done much to hide his support for President Donald Trump. Though Christ's teachings were for his...

Ghosts of Elijah Cummings and John Lewis Mistake Jar of Mayonnaise for Marco Rubio

THE GREAT BEYOND -- There was a brief but quite ironically hilarious case of mistaken identity reported from the afterlife this morning. Reportedly, two late...

Hannity, Ingraham, Bongino, Hitler Support Feds’ Crackdown on Peaceful Portland Protesters

In a year already filled with drama and tumult, it seems that 2020 isn't quite done with head-scratching, eye-popping, eyebrow-raising headlines. MORE: Trump Orders EPA...

Ginsburg: “Cancer Can’t Make Me Resign Until It Leaves The White House First”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In 2019, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg underwent three weeks of medical treatment for pancreatic cancer. Now, it seems her...

Trump Orders EPA Study On Effects Of Electrolytes On Plant Life

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Trump Administration ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to divert "as much money as possible" into researching what impact, if any,...

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